The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “No father has given a greater gift to his children than good moral training.” (Tirmidhi)

The many aspects of Ramadan—fasting, prayers, moral values, charity, Qur’an, family, `Eid—provide a valuable opportunity to train kids. Whether they are your own kids or kids you teach, education or training isn’t an automatic or easy process. Children don’t bring empty minds and fill them with what we say. Training requires effort, energy, and a few techniques to take off.

Here are some training tips and techniques to transform your children’s minds and memories this Ramadan:

(1) Let them get their Hands Dirty

“The great aim of education is not knowledge, but action.” Herbert Spencer

Children learn by “doing.” On average, students retain 75% of a lesson when they learn through hands-on activities compared to 5% through a lecture or 10% through reading (Brunmer, Jerome).

If, for example, you want to teach your kids the concept of zakah, get them to help you calculate your zakah, decide where to send the money, and mail the envelopes. Action and implementation can occur while children learn, not necessarily after!

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) used to bring his grandchildren Hassan and Hussein to the mosque as toddlers before they knew how to pray.

A concept becomes real and important to children when they experience it rather than simply read about it. They’ll remember how to do it years later when you may catch them telling their friends “I’ve been calculating zakah since I was a kid!”

(2) Involve their Emotions

When children get emotionally involved in an activity, they rarely want to leave it. Video games and TV shows target children’s emotions. As parents and educators, we can use the same technique for training.

Stories, songs, skits, crafts, and games grab children’s emotions. Once a child is interested and excited, they’re more likely to stay attentive till the end and get the message you want to give. Just as we remember events in our lives that were emotionally significant, children remember concepts learned through activities that were “fun,” “funny,” “exciting,” or “different.”

Don’t be afraid to stir some fun into your training—you don’t have to lose any content. Write a song about `Eid, create a Hadith treasure box, organize a Ramadan trivia night, or read a story about Ramadan in Madinah. If the kids enjoy it, they’ll come back for more!

(3) Reveal the Purpose

We often hear students complain, “why do we have to do this?” or “this math exercise is pointless.” Unfortunately, we often hear responses like “because I’m telling you to,” or “because you have to,” or worse, “you’ll get a new CD player if you finish the book.”

Like us, if children don’t see the purpose or importance of an action, they won’t have the motivation to complete it. To avoid getting similar comments from your kids about prayer or fasting, make sure they understand the purpose. Before you begin any lesson, whether it’s a story about the companions of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him)
or an `Eid craft, explain exactly why you are the doing the activity and what benefits the children will gain from it.

Remind your children that they are doing acts of worship to please Allah, not you. Explain why we need to please Allah and how every action, including washing dishes or math homework, will help us achieve that goal. If children are praying only to please you, when you leave, their motivation and prayers will disappear.

If children are motivated to fast Ramadan or complete the Qur’an for a material incentive (like a CD player), they may never develop a love of Allah or an intrinsic desire to perform the action. They may, instead, learn to value material rewards and when the rewards disappear, the actions may disappear with them.

Help your children understand that for Muslims, rewards don’t necessarily always come in this life. They may have to wait for the bigger and better rewards of the hereafter.

(4) Highlight the Big Ideas

“Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.” Albert Einstein

Ask yourself how many equations or formulas you remember from your Grade 12 math textbook. It may be five, two, or none. Let’s be honest—most of us retained very little of the details we learned.

Children will not retain all the fiqh rulings of zakah, wudu’, or Salah, and they won’t need to! Make sure the little that they retain is exactly what you want them to remember. Focus on the big ideas, such as the awareness that Allah is watching us, that we get our rulings from the Qur’an and the Sunnah, that Prayer is a means of self-purification, etc. Repeat these ideas every day in different ways. While your children instil these principles in their minds, show them how to learn the rest on their own when they need it.

Help your kids learn “how to learn.” Teach them where to find the fiqh information they need or how to research a topic and who to ask for information. They will be better prepared if they master the basics and know how to get the specifics. Memorizing every ruling will be a waste of their time and yours.

(5) Let them Lead!

Children often take responsibilities more seriously than adults. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) appointed Usamah ibn Zaid who was a young boy at the time, as commander of the Muslim army although many older and more experienced companions were present. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) trusted Usamah’s capability for the position.

Give children leadership over important tasks and step out of the picture. Assign one child to wake up all his siblings for suhur. Let someone else be in charge of updating the iftar time every evening. Allow the children to plan, budget, and buy `Eid gifts for all the relatives. Let them choose which task they want to be in charge of.

Allow children to make mistakes and realize on their own what they should have done. Experience often trains better than instruction. Once a child goes out into the cold without a jacket, he’ll remember, before you can remind him, to put on his jacket next time.

Train kids to be responsible for their own learning. If a child asks, “Does brushing teeth break my fast?” a simple “yes” or “no” may give them the answer, but it won’t provide any long-term training. Ask them instead, “Where can you look to find that answer? Let’s do some research.”

Begin the month of Ramadan by asking your children to do a research project on what breaks the fast and what does not. If they find the information themselves, they are likely to remember it and know exactly where to get it again next year.

"The only person who is educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change." Carl Rogers

(6) Get Excited!

“Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire.” W. B. Yeats

Kids catch on to your enthusiasm. Show some excitement and passion about the topic you’re teaching. Show your kids that you can’t wait for Ramadan to begin. Be cheerful at Prayer times. Decorate the house in anticipation of `Eid.

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) taught by example. His character and actions motivated people to love and emulate him. Be the example you want your kids to be. Make a genuine effort to love the activities you want your kids to love.

7) Combine Love with Learning

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) would greet children warmly by hugging them, kissing them and picking them up.

Abu Huraira reported that al-Aqra' b. Habis saw the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) kissing Hasan. He said “I have ten children, but I have never kissed any one of them,” whereupon Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) said: He who does not show mercy (towards his children), no mercy would be shown to him. (Muslim)

Show children that you love them, regardless of how they perform. Allow each child to progress at their own pace. Saying, “look at your cousin Aminah! She’s already finished the 15th Juz,” will only lower your child’s self-esteem and discourage what she’s already accomplishing.

Excessive competition and comparison can often result in helplessness and lack of motivation for children who learn in different ways or at a slower pace. Allow children to judge their own progress and compare themselves to their former level rather than that of others.

Make this Ramadan the beginning of a memorable and long-lasting training experience for you and your children!

Souce: Received as an Email.

|Hinâ' al-Hamrânî|

"You will not eat anything today until the Sun sets." Such a declaration can be dreadfully frightful to a small child. It seems like a very, very long time. Many adult Muslims can recall the first Ramadan fast they observed when they were children. It is often a poignant memory. The difficulty of that day is easy to recall. Nevertheless, when the fast is successfully accomplished for the first time, the sense of triumph and of joy felt on that day is cherished for life.

One woman recalls that day as follows:

It was all a very long time ago, yet I can still remember some of the details of that day. I remember standing all puffed up with pride between my brothers. I was the only one fasting. Shortly before sunset, they brought sweets and gathered round to eat them. I just couldn't resist. That day, I broke my fast. The next day, I steeled myself up for the challenge. On that second day I triumphed, and may Allah be praised.

Another woman relates this memory:

Who could forget those days? Fasting was very difficult for us. If our families found out that we were fasting, they would forbid us and force us to eat. To tell the truth, I couldn't resist the smell of food. That was enough to make me break my fast.

A third has this childhood memory to share:

I woke up late one day in Ramadan. It was, as a matter of fact, in the afternoon. I felt extremely hungry, but I resolved to fast. Later in the afternoon, my mother sent me to the neighbors to borrow some drink mix powder from them. On the way back, I was so hungry that I ate the drink mix powder.

Another woman shares this memory:

The days were very long. I used to climb onto the roof of the house in the late afternoon to watch the Sun go down.

Some Motherly Advice

A number of mothers share with us their experiences with teaching their children how to fast. One mother tells us:

I would get them used to fasting by constantly reminding them of the blessings and rewards that a fasting person receives. I would teach them the wisdom behind fasting. I would also encourage them by preparing for them their favorite foods to break their fasts with. As the day progressed, I would keep them busy with beneficial tasks, and as the time for breaking the fast grew near, I would keep them preoccupied by playing with them. A final strategy was that I would instill in them a spirit of competition. The children would vie with each other as to who would fast the greatest number of days.

Another mother has this to share:

I would try to give my children strength by telling them things like: "When we were small, we would see our mother fasting, so we would fast along with her." I would remind them of the blessings that they would receive and that our beloved prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) used to fast.
A third mother tells us:

Every time a child was about to eat something, I would remind that child of the fast. I recall one singularly humorous incident. I saw my little girl put a piece of gum in her mouth, so I reminded her that she is fasting. So she spit out the gum, looked at it for a while, then quickly put it back in her mouth and swallowed it. Then she looked at me and said: "That solves the problem."

The Example of Our Pious Predecessors

The best example of raising children is that of our Pious Predecessors. They brought up the greatest of generations. Al-Rabî`, the daughter of Mu`awwadh tells us [Sahîh al-Bukhârîand Sahîh Muslim]:

We used to fast and have our children fast. When we went to the mosque, we would give them cloth toys to play with. Whenever a child would cry for food, we would give that child the toys. We would do this until it was time to break the fast.

This shows that the Pious Predecessors did not simply impose fasting on their children. They looked for ways to occupy their children's time and make the fast easy upon them.

Is My Child Ready to Fast?

Fasting is more difficult for some children than it is for others. Children who have a weak constitution might not be able to fast. Likewise, children who normally need to eat frequently can find fasting difficult. Children who are extra active in their play are also among those who have trouble fasting. It is the job of the parents to determine whether their children are ready to fast. They know their children's health. However, the parents should not be lax in the matter. As long as a child is in good health, the child can be introduced to fasting in some manner or another.

Dr. Rashâd Lâshîn has the following advice for making the fast easy upon our children:

Between seven and nine years of age, it is possible to gradually introduce children to the fast. At the beginning, they can be encouraged to fast until 10 AM. Then the time can be increased until the time of the Zuhr prayer, then until the time of the `Asr prayer. At this point, we can encourage them, saying: "Come on, be brave. Keep up the fast until sunset and complete it all the way."

A healthy ten year old child can handle the fast. Medically, his body is able to handle cope with it. We can say to a child at this age: "Come on. Show us how brave and strong you are. Do something really great and fast the whole day."

It is important for us as parents to adopt the following measures so that our children can get the maximum benefit from their attempts at fasting – and not develop instead their skills at lying and deception:

1. We must work to instill in our children's heart the desire to fast. This means that compulsion is out of the question. Forcing them to fast is no way to develop their inner selves. Instead, it can cultivate ugly character traits like hypocrisy, lying, cowardice, and deceit.

2. Positive reinforcement works wonders and can make it much easier to get our children to fast. Praise and encouragement are strongly recommended. Prizes – both material and honorary – can be awarded to the children.

3. A great way to encourage our children is to cultivate a competitive spirit among them. This is especially effective when the children have peers who are fasting and who are praying in the mosque.

4. We must not neglect using the gradual approach with our children. This approach should be used so that the child steadily advances to the point of fasting a full day.

"I am fasting, Mom" (but only when you can see me)

What is a mother to do when she discovers that her child has not been observing the Ramadan fast, but has been lying?

Dr. Hiba `Îsâwî, a professor of Psychology at the `Ayn Shams School of Medicine, addresses this question. She stresses that the fasting of small children is a mother's responsibility, since the children are too young to understand the importance of the fast. Therefore, when a mother discovers that her child has been eating in secret, she should do the following:

1. Encourage the child's fasting by giving the child an allowance for each day successfully fasted.

2. Do not confront the child because of the mistake. Do not call the child a liar. Instead, inform the child indirectly – by using stories of others – just how serious it is to break the Ramadan fast and to lie.

3. Do not expect a small child to fast a full day from the onset. Increase the duration of the child's fast in increments, according to the child's age and ability.

4. When the child fasts, make sure to praise the child and to give the child recognition in front of the rest of the family.

5. Encourage the child to fast by only permitting fasting people to have the privilege of sitting at the table at the time of breaking the fast. In this way, the child will understand that breaking the fast early is a big mistake.

6. Do not place sweets and displays of food within the child's line of vision before the time of breaking the fast. There is no need to weaken the child's resolve with such temptations.

7. Cultivate a religious and celebratory atmosphere at home. Let the child sense the importance of this month by making it different that the other months of the year. Ramadan should be something special.

Children (who did not reach puberty) are not commanded to fast. However, their parents or guardians are strongly recommended to encourage them to fast few days so that they get used to it and they grow up knowing of the worship of fasting as they would know that of praying. In fact this was the practice of the first women of Islam who were living around the Prophet, salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam.

An example of that is ar-Rubayya' bint Mu'awiyyah who reported that: "The Messenger of Allah,salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam, sent a man on the morning of the day of 'Ashurah, to the residences of the Ansar, saying: 'Whoever has spent the morning fasting is to complete his fast. Whoever has not spent this morning fasting should voluntary fast for the remainder of the day.' We fasted after that announcement, as did our young children. We would go to the mosque and make toys stuffed with cotton for them to play with. If one of them started crying due to hunger, we would give them a toy to play with until it was time to eat." [al-Bukhari and Muslim.]

Dear sisters and brothers remember that among the seven that Allah will shade under His shade on the Day of Judgment is a young man who grew up in the worship of Allah. Therefore let your children be one of these.

There are many ways to educate your children about Ramadan, the best and most important of which is to set the good example by fasting properly and behaving according to the Prophetic teachings. This is what your children will take from you first. When you are fulfilling this you can very easily [and they will accept it and practice it easily as well] teach them what you want. Here are few tips that you can use with your children [you can think of others as well]:

1. Depending on their age encourage them to fast a number of days upto every other day or more for those who are almost at the age of puberty. For those who are still young let them fast a day or two and praise them in front of friends and relatives for their achievement.
2. Let your children go with their father to the Masjid for Maghrib prayer and break the fast with the larger Muslim community to make them feel the greatness of fasting and the unity of Muslims in worshipping Allah.
3. If your children cannot fast let them eat with you at the time of Maghrib and teach them that you are breaking the fast even if they ate before.
4. Teach your children the supplication of breaking the fast
5. Take your children to the Taraweeh prayer so that they get used it and know about it from their early age. They may sit or stay in the back of the prayer room if they get tired.
6. Teach them to give charity. Do it in front of them and tell them you are doing it because the reward increases in Ramadan.
7. Teach them to recite Qur'an regularly and inform them that the Prophet (S) used to do that in Ramadan.
8. Correct them if they behave wrongly or say unacceptable words and remind them that they are fasting ot they are in Ramadan and this may alter their reward.
9. Wake them up for Suhoor [even if they don't fast] and Fajr prayer.
10. Teach them to feed the people fasting and tell them about the reward for that.
11. Dress them in the best clothes, give them a bath and take them with you to the Eid Prayer. Teach them that this is our feast and celebration and that christmas, easter, thanksgiving and other holidays are not ours. Stress the distinction.

It has been narrated on the authority of Ibn 'Umar that the Prophet (May be upon him) said: Beware. every one of you is a shepherd and every one is answerable with regard to his flock. The Caliph is a shepherd over the people and shall be questioned about his subjects (as to how he conducted their affairs). A man is a guardian over the members of his family and shall be questioned about them (as to how he looked after their physical and moral well-being). A woman is a guardian over the household of her husband and his children and shall be questioned about them (as to how she managed the household and brought up the children). A slave is a guardian over the property of his master and shall be questioned about it (as to how he safeguarded his trust). Beware, every one of you is a guardian and every one of you shall be questioned with regard to his trust.  (Muslim)

Source: Email

Hanan Zayn

Small children are innocent. As a consequence, they are in many ways unable to differentiate between the various pieces of information they receive – like what is alright to make public and what must be kept private. In the course of their development, they learn discretion, but until they do, their sweet and adorable innocence can cause a lot of difficulties and embarrassment for their parents. This is because they can easily speak to outsiders about the most private and delicate of family matters.

It is important to teach children the value of privacy at an early age. They need to be made aware that some things are private and must be kept secret.

To begin with, parents need to be vigilant and learn to keep certain things private. Adults should not discuss certain things in front of their children, especially problems that the mother and father might be having. Even talking on the phone in front of the children is a bad idea, when the matter is a private family issue that should not be made known to the general public. At a very young age, small children are simply unable to differentiate between what is private and what is not.

As children grow older, a respect for privacy needs to be instilled in them. They need to have a sense of the home as a private domain. This is especially important when the children begin to attend school. But how can this be achieved?

Children are receptive to visual comparisons. For instance: “This house we live in shields us from the outside world. Would we be able to sit in it like we do if it had no walls? Would we be able to sit at the table and have our dinner with everyone outside looking in on us?” In this way, we can introduce the concept of privacy to young minds and encourage our children to identify with their home and family. From this point of departure, we can teach our children about the need to keep family and personal matters a secret from the general public.

The next stage is to help the child develop a full understanding of privacy and its practical dimensions. This begins by teaching the child to ask permission before entering a room.

Allah directs us in the Qur’an to teach this to our children: “O you who believe! Have your servants and those of you who have not attained to puberty ask permission of you at three times: before the morning prayer, and when you put off your clothes at midday in summer, and after the prayer of the nightfall. These are three times of privacy for you; neither is it a sin for you nor for them besides these, some of you must go round about (waiting) upon others; thus does Allah make clear to you the communications, and Allah is Knowing, Wise.” [Sūrah al-Nūr: 58]

In this verse, Allah commands us to teach our children who have not reached puberty to ask permission before entering a room at three times of the day. The first is before the prayer when people are usually asleep in their beds. The second is midday where in many cultures people take a siesta and may be in their rooms resting in a state of undress. The third is at night, also a time of rest and sleep.

These are three times where a child might walk into the parents’ bedroom and find the parents in a compromising situation.

Because of the needs of small children, the Qur’an only commands parents to teach them to seek permission at these three times. When they are older, they must follow Islam’s teachings to seek permission at any time before entering a private room.

“And when the children among you come to puberty then let them ask permission even as those before them used to ask it. Thus Allah makes clear His revelations for you. Allah is All-Knowing, Wise.” [Sūrah al-Nūr: 59]

Source: www.islamtoday.com

Praying at home or the masjid, and then sneaking out to party at a nightclub. Wearing hijaab around family, and then turning into a fashion diva at school.One person, two worlds, and a desperate struggle to juggle them both.
 
This is the reality which many Muslim youth in the West are living in. We can call them "cultural chameleons," or describe them as having"split personalities." Whatever the label, the situation is the same… with often tragic consequences. We are not just referring to your community brother or sister's devastating death, but rather we refer to the many grievous examples of teens running away from home, getting into drugs, and much more -the worst of which is turning away totally from Islam, rejecting it completely. We are not exaggerating. It's a reality, and those who deny it are either willfully blind or pitifully naive.
 
It is time that we addressed the situation seriously. First there must be awareness of the reality and knowledge of its causes. The next step is to know what to do when faced with it directly (hint: it does NOT involve killing anyone). And finally, we need to know how to nip the problem in the bud - an ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure.
 
Causes
 
Although each situation is different, there is a general list of what can cause this worst nightmare of any Muslim parent.

    * Lack of strong Islamic foundation in the home. As with most things, it begins in your own backyard. If you aren't raising your children as Muslims with a strong understanding of what it means to be a Muslim, then you can't expect them to be happy about having to follow strict rules all the time. It's also important to note the difference between Islam and culture. If you don't pray five times a day, or encourage your kids to pray, yet freak out if a female family member walks out with her head uncovered, then you really need to straighten out your priorities.

    * Double standards. Related to the first point, here we're talking about when parents are setting a double standard for themselves and their children: in public they seek to ingratiate themselves within Western society, to achieve the Western societies dream of big house, fancy car, and being best friends with the Joneses next door; yet at home they are obsessed with their children following cultural practices that aren't even necessarily Islamic. It should be no surprise, then, when the children follow in their parents' footsteps and start living a double life themselves.

    * Lack of personal understanding/ conviction of Islam. This is another major factor in youth straying from Islam. Again related to the first point - if you don't have a strong Islamic foundation in the home, then there will be most likely a lack of understanding of what exactly it means to be a Muslim. If you don't know the reason behind something, how likely are you to do something if you view it as restrictive and interfering? If you tell your children to pray because if they don't they'll burn in Hell, then trust me, they won't be doing it out of love for Allah - they'll be doing it out fear… and not even fear of Allah, but fear of you. Similarly, if you tell a girl she has to wear hijaab because otherwise she'll "stain the family's honour" or some-such rubbish like that, then once she's exposed to the Western mentality of freedom (and total lack of anything resembling honour) she won't give two hoots about the hijaab or your notions of honour. On the other hand, if your child has a personal relationship with Allah and knows exactly why we do some things and stay away from others, they will be far more willing to tough it out and continue to obey Allah.

    * General teen rebellion. Sometimes, teens can just be idiots. Common sense is a rare thing amongst youth these days, and it shows… sadly, some take it too far - beyond the streaked hair and pierced bellybutton (hey, as long as it's covered up by hijaab, be cool with it!) - and make some really bad choices. The Messenger of Allah[pbuh] said: "Youth is a kind of madness"[Hadith].Being intoxicated by the passions of youth we never ponder for a moment that we shall we questioned by Allah.

    * Insecurity. This is something which affects people everywhere, regardless of their race, religion, or even age. The desire to want to "fit in" and become an accepted member of the crowd is human nature - sometimes it can be a good thing; other times it can be so harmful and detrimental. For girls, the issue is often about body image and beauty, which is why hijaab becomes such a struggle. For guys, it can be about proving their "manliness" (by pursuing other girls, or getting involved in 'tough guy' activities like drinking alcohol, drugs etc.). Build your child's self-esteem at home and let them know that they don't need to seek approval from anyone except Allah. Compliment your children, praise them, let them be confident in their faith and in themselves. Tell your son that he's cool. Tell your daughter that she's beautiful. Don't demean them or belittle them; honour them as the Prophet (sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam) honoured his daughter Fatimah (radhiAllahu 'anha) by giving her his sitting place.

    * Bad companions. The Prophet (sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam) said: "The example of a good companion and a bad one is the bearer of musk and the worker on the bellows. A bearer of musk would give you some, you might buy some from him, or you might enjoy the fragrance of his musk. The worker on the bellows, on the other hand, might spoil your clothes with sparks from his bellows, or you get a bad smell from him." (Hadith-Al-Bukhari and Muslim).Undoubtedly, the kind of people your kids hang out with will have a huge influence on them - especially at school, which is what a teen's life pretty much revolves around. Non-Muslims (and even so-called "Muslims") who have totally different standards morality-wise will definitely make life difficult for your kid: challenging Islam and belittling all that it stands for. While we know that many will say it's a great Da'wah opportunity, or that it builds character and can be a way to strengthen emaan, the reality is that not all youth are strong enough to emerge the company of such people unscathed. Sadly, we have lost too many of the younger generations to Shaytaan's misguided lifestyle, and we can't use a minority of successful young Muslims to deny that reality. The Messenger ofAllah[obuh]informed us that: "A man follows his friends religion, you should be careful whom you make friends with."[Hadith Abu Dawud/Tirmidhi]

    * The "Adolescent" Myth. This mentality is one of "I'm young, let me have fun and then I'll be religious when I'm older!" It's an attitude of irresponsibility, immaturity, and misunderstanding of Islam and the purpose of our lives. By absolving oneself of responsibility, it's easier for teens to indulge in the haraamwithout feeling so guilty about it. Thus, it's obviously very important to instill a sense of responsibility and dutifulness to Allah in our youth - basically, to abolish this kind of mentality. The Prophet (sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam) said: " An intelligent person is the one who calls himself to account and and does deeds to benefit him after death and a foolish person is he who follows his desires and hopes from Allah"[Hadith-Tirmidhi]

 Symptoms
 
How do you know if your child, your sibling, or your friend is a "cultural chameleon"? It can be difficult to spot it, but however much a kid can try to sneak around, those closest to them can usually figure out what's going on. Here are some of the symptoms of the double-life syndrome.

    * Change of attitude - Increased rebellion, aggression, and disrespect are major red flags. If they're behaving like that towards you, do you think they won't behave like that towards Allah? In fact, if they are acting like that with you, then already they're showing their defiance of Allah! Taqwa and good behaviour to parents go hand-in-hand: "And your Lord has commanded that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to your parents." (Quran-Surah al-Israa, verse 23)

    * Shows dislike of Islamic practices ("Yuck, hijaab is so old-fashioned," "What's the point of praying? It's stupid!" etc.) This is particularly obvious in a household that is generally religious, or has more than just a tentative connection to the Deen.

    * Secretive, sneaky. It's important for parents to keep an eye on their kids and know where they are and what they're doing. If you notice that your child is being secretive, sneaky, and generally deceptive about their activities, then it's a major red flag that your son or daughter isn't doing the right thing. This goes for pretty much all families, Muslim and non-Muslim alike, but for us Muslims it means more than just that your kid is with bad company or doing bad things: it means that they're losing their connection to Allah and to Islam, and this in itself is far worse than whatever sinful activities they're engaged in.

Solutions

An ounce of prevention is worth more than a pound of cure. Educate your child from a young age, build a strong (but loving) Islamic environment within the home. Make them aware of their identity as Muslims, emphasize pride in their Muslim identity. However, we can't say that prevention is the only thing that we can do - the reality is that even children who were raised in a strong Islamic environment can be "lost" in the Dunya… and this is the reality we have to deal with, not deny.

Having said that, here are some practical solutions on dealing with such situations.

    * Do not react angrily or violently. If you find out your kid is lying to you and is leading a double life, do NOT freak out at them, scream at them, hit them, etc.
      This will :
      1) scare them,
      2) reinforce their belief that "Islam/ Muslims are evil/ violent", and
      3) not be productive in any way, shape, or form.

    * Take some time to cool off after you find out. Pray anaafilah (voluntary salaah), and make lots of dua i.e. ask Allah to grant you the patience and strength to deal with the situation.

    * Talk to them. Ask them what has led them to do the things they've done, what their state of belief is (cases differ drastically: some teens still have emaan and are just confused; others go to the point where they deny Islam completely), and how they feel about their situation in general. Try not to judge them; the key is to listen to them and know where they're coming from. This will give you information on how to best approach them when the time comes to try and "fix" things.

    * Serious counselling may be needed. If you feel as though you are unable to deal with the situation correctly yourself, contact a trustworthy, knowledgeable, and understanding

Imam,Moulana or Shaykh in your area (or use the Muslim Youth Helpline). It's best to have someone involved who not only knows the Islamic perspective of things, but can also relate to and understand your child. There must be someone whom your child can feel comfortable enough to work with/ talk to if they don't feel they can open up to you (the parents).

In this stage, there has to be a lot of give-and-take, questions-and-answers. If you already had a long talk with your child previously and asked them all those questions, then now is the time to bring forth your feelings. If you haven't had the talk, then now is the time to initiate it.

Counselling is a long and sometimes painful process, and only one step forward towards healing. One cannot expect things to change overnight, and it will be very difficult - all I can say is, trust in Allah and look to the Sunnah for help. Have emaan, taqwa, and lots of patience and forbearance. Constantly turn to Allah in du'a, especially the last third of the night. Indeed, this is something that should be done at all times… it is a means of prevention, as well as part of the path to the cure.

Allah Most Wise and Most Merciful says:

"No one despairs of solace from Allah except for those who are unbelievers"[Quran12:87]

Source: Received as an Email

Quarreling among siblings may often be a result of their ages or stages of development. For example, the endless "why?" questions of a three-year-old may be intolerable for a ten-year-old sister or brother. Or, a small child who likes to sit quietly and play with their toys alone may naturally express annoyance when confronted by a headstrong adolescent sibling.

Another basic cause of contention is rivalry and jealousy among siblings. After all, jealousy has been a human condition since the beginning of time. Some people are mature and fully grown, but still retain anger and resentment against those close to them. Since they have not been able to get over their childhood jealousy, feelings of resentment and envy have grown and changed shape; these could even be a threat to the community.

Sibling rivalry arises from a desire to compete for the affection of the parents. If one child is shown a great deal of affection by the parents, the other children will be jealous. But children do not demonstrate feelings of jealousy in a direct manner. A jealous child may feign affection toward their sibling. Such a child will often be inclined to try to hurt the brother or sister when no one else is around.

In the famous story in the Qur'an about Joseph, Joseph's brothers tried to harm him, spurred on by jealousy. The Qur'an says,

"Assuredly, in (this account of) Joseph and his brothers there are many sans (messages) for seekers of truth" (Yusuf 12:7).

As is well known, Prophet Jacob fathered twelve sons. However, Jacob discerned great potential in Joseph and therefore he paid greater attention to Joseph. Because this was obvious, the other brothers' jealousy grew against Joseph. One night Joseph had a dream. When he woke he said to his father,

"0 my father! I saw in a dream eleven stars, as well as the sun and the moon: I saw them prostrating themselves before me" (Yusuf 12:4).

Jacob thought about this dream, and he believed it meant God would give Joseph every kind of opportunity, bestowed on him a high level of honor and renown, and make him an important leader. Aware of the feelings of the other brothers toward Joseph, Jacob feared they would try to harm him. So he told him,

"0 my son! Do not relate your dream to your brothers, lest (out of envy) they devise a scheme against you. For Satan is a manifest enemy to humankind (and can incite them to do such a thing)" (Yusuf 12:5). The Qur'an goes on to describe the plan the brothers hatched, a terrible example of just how far jealousy between siblings can go:

When they (the brothers addressing one another) said, "Joseph and his brother are indeed more loved by our father than we are, even though we are a powerful band (of greater use to him). Surely, our father is manifestly mistaken." (One of them said:) "Kill Joseph, or cast him out in some distant land so that your father's attention should turn only to you, and after that you may again become righteous people." (Yusuf 12:8-9)

It is the duty of parents to recognize when a child is jealous, and watch for how it will be expressed. From this aspect, keeping tabs on the relations between siblings and keeping their bickering under control can be a very difficult task for a family.

Undeniably, jealousy is an emotion that is embedded in human nature. The important thing is to prevent this negative element from causing damage to children and their environment. The way to do this is to channel these tendencies toward the positive with self-discipline. It is difficult to put forward any general, practically feasible solutions for such situations, as they are very sensitive and complex. It is of course necessary, in principle, for parents to listen to children, try to understand the reasons for their behavior, and examine their own attitudes and approaches. Parents should develop the ability to see situations and conditions from their children's perspective.

Other things parents can do to neutralize jealousy are to prepare games that will help children spend their physical and emotional energy in positive ways and to praise children when they get along well and have fun together. Here are a few more tips:

1. Avoid incorrect educational methods. For example, do not always take the part of the younger sibling or automatically blame the older sibling. Often if you intervene just to "save" the younger child, it gives rise to contention between them without you realizing it. Further, you may not know whether it was actually the older child who instigated the problem or not. Accordingly, sensitivity and attention are necessary if we are to treat children equally. It is also good to give them a chance to solve their own problems; tell them you trust them to do so.

2. Be sure to spend equal amounts of time with each child every day. If one is jealous of the other's time, tell them that you want to be with each child and their turn will come.

3. Take care to make a distinction between siblings, and not to hold the others responsible when only one is doing something wrong.

4. Avoid giving different treatment to girls and boys, giving more importance to one or the other or being more proud of one or the other. For example, parents may have a son after many daughters or a daughter after many sons; in such situations they tend to love this youngest more or show more tolerance toward them. This naturally promotes problems between the children.

Excerpted from the book "Good Character" by Musa Kazim Gulcur.

Source: www.islamicity.com

It is rare for people to live together under one roof without any arguments, but reconciliation is better and correcting oneself is a virtue.

What shakes the unity of the family and harms its infrastructure is when conflicts are brought out into the open before the members of the family, who then split into two or more opposing camps, not to mention the psychological harm that is done to children, especially little ones.

Think about a home where the father says to the child, “Do not speak to your mother,” and the mother says to him, “Do not speak to your father.”

The child is confused and filled with turmoil, and the entire family lives in an atmosphere of hostility. We should try to avoid conflict, but if it happens, we should try to hide it.

Things to consider

• Stop and think about what you’re teaching your children - most likely aggression, stubbornness and selfishness.


• In the heat of the moment, Shaytan may try and justify what you are doing. You should seek refuge in Allah from Shaytan and stop justifying it!


• You have a choice: either follow your temporary desires or love your children. When you fight in front of your children, you are putting your selfish needs in front of your children.


• Fighting will occur sometimes in every marriage, however you should do it away from the children. If your children think marriage is all about arguing and fighting, this may lead them to put off getting married when they get older. This may in turn cause them to form illegitimate relationships.


• The children don’t care who’s right, they just want to see their parents happy


• You may be able to turn conflicts into something beneficial. If your children see you discussing issues with your partner in a controlled and open manner, insha Allah they will grow up to be reasonable and considerate people.

We ask Allaah to create love between our hearts.

Source: http://islam4parents.com/

By Umm Hibathain

Bismillahi Ar-Rahmani Ar-Raheem

Alhamdulillah, this New Year's weekend, we were able to invest our time in a very beneficial vacation. We drove to Sacramento for a conference and the theme was the title you see above. The Youth of our Ummah is our kids. As parents, one can never read or learn enough about parenting, its challenges, responsibilities, how one should tackle problems, what are the problems of today etc....A parent is always yearning to hear new techniques, methods and tips subhanAllah...And this is because of many reasons:

1. You love your kids to death. You want the best for them always. You want the best for them in this duniya, and if you yourself firmly believe in the aakhirah and its eternity, you want the best for them in the aakhirah too.

2. A muslim parent think of this blessing (the blessing of having a child to invest into) as a trust from Allah. And as with anything that has been entrusted, you want to make sure you keep it safe, protect it from external harm.

3. Having a righteous child who will make dua for you, is one of the three things mentioned in the hadeeth An-Nabiyyu Sallallahu alaihiwassalam, that the reward of which will continue to culminate. I see it as a kind of selfishness on the parent's part for wanting to have a righteous child- the greed for continuous reward.

Some pointers on how we can do our best in ensuring our kids will be on the straight path- the path that Allah wants us to tread on:

1. Proper Communication with them:

Usually, when we talk about good communication skills, we think of the best manner to convey your message, having eye contact while you speak, using the language that is easy to understand. Well, you do not have proper communication skills even if you master the art of speech till you have also mastered the art of listening. Being a good listener needs much more training than being a good speaker. And some of the elements needed are lot of patience, a sincere interest in the other person and controlling your inner force that tells you "You have to make your point". As Sheikh Yasser Fazzaqa (Hafidhahullah) said, the person is more important than the point.

Listen to your child. Only through listening will you know your child. If we do not listen to them whne they are really young, you will not be able to hear them as they enter their teens. Its going to be too late and will leave you to fret over "I cannot understand my 15 year old." Your child must be given the freedom of conveying her feelings, emotions and discussing everything that happens in his/her life.

Also, to bring them up to be a listener of what you, as a parent, say to them, you have to teach them to listen. And the only way to teach them that is by practising it yourself inshAllah.

2. Mutual respect:

Well, the goal is for them to respect you since you are the parent. But again, the best way to teach how to respect is by respecting them (and hence, the mutual respect). Respect their feelings, their visions; let them have a say in family matters especially if it is concerning them. Give them a choice, allow them to choose from within their limits.

There is one aspect of respect which can become fear of the parent. This is dangerous, and it can lead them to become liers and hypocrites. This is a scary line for myself to draw. But if parents could always remember not to be imposing or dictating, it could help inshAllah. "Because I said so" should not be the reason for their obedience. Rather there is a higher ultimate reason- it is not good for you, Allah loves for you to do that/avoid that and Allah's Magnificient promise of reward.

3. You are what your friends are:

Man, in general, is impressionable- let alone kids. We get influenced by the people we hang out with. And we always want to belong to a niche. A group where we feel comfortable and cozy at. Especially for our young ones, they sometimes feel more at home- not at home, but with their peer group. They have a lot in common. With this in mind, we need to:

a. Be a friend for them.

Lower yourself to them, where they feel comfortable establishing a friendship with you (ofcourse while being a matured parent too) Try to be in their shoes.

b. Make sure you connect them with kids whose parents share your values too.

c. Just like how "Home Sweet Home", let "Masjid Sweet Masjid" be too- because thats where they meet nice people.   

Let trips to the Masjid be a way to reward your children when they have behaved well. There are many reasons for this to be a rewarding experience: Khalas and Ammus (Aunties) say "MashAllah, you look cute/ you are so good" etc. The Imam/ Sheikh/random people giving the child candies, lollipops (which I am starting to have a problem with). Alhamdulillah, our masjid has a nice cafeteria, a playground and it would be nice for all community builders to have structures like these built in the Islamic Center/ adjoining the masjid. (Youth rooms where they can chill, relax, read, hang out with halal friends, maybe play some halal video games etc. is another luring attraction for the youth)

Dont decide on one fine day that you need to take your child to the masjid because lately he/she is not being good, and so he needs some discipline, and so "Baba is taking you to masjid". This would sound like a punishment.

Masjid should be a frequent thing if not everyday.

Masjid should not be a rare thing like Sunday school.

4. And Sunday school is not what our beautiful deen is:

There are these 2 kids I love a lot (and my heart goes out to them). I pray that Allah increases them in their knowledge and deen, and make them a positive influence for their families and their community. So they go for Sunday school and they experience the beauty and purity of our Deen alhamdulillah. They love what they learn there. They love to try out and practise what they learn there. It makes them feel good about themselves, they feel happy when they think about pleasing Allah.

At home, its different. SubhanAllah! Their parents mashAllah give a lot of consideration in providing them with the best provisions, enrolling them in programmes that will develope their personality and can be added to their list of achievements for this Dunya. But when it comes to Deen, its a "Sunday school" thing.

Islam is too beautiful and perfect to implement only when needed. Islam is a complete way of life. Islam is the way that will beautify one's aakhirah too.

5. Which made me remember: Avoid contradictions- between what they are taught and they see in their role models- The Parents

When they see contradictions, they reduce deen to a text book science. It even promotes a hypocritic nature.

For example: They are taught the importance of Salah. And they notice the parents go to sleep before praying Isha.

6. Educate them about the challenges they will face according to their age.

Exposing them to the challenge is a risky way to teach, in my opinion. But if they are not exposed, they won't know. Or they will come to know from the very same people we do not want to hear from/ learn from. So we need to educate them in the best possible manner according to their age.

For example: Drug Abuse and addiction is fast spreading to very young kids, even to 8 year olds. So, dont hesitate to educate them about it.

Talk to them about Gender Relations, Alcohol, Music- their bad effects and how Allah has made harmful things haram for us.

Educate them that Allah wants only good for us, and He wants to protect us from harm, and that is why Islam has rules, obligations and laws which we need to follow for safguarding ourselves.

These are just some points I wanted to talk about, but in conclusion we should also remember that Allah Azza Wajal commanded us to save ourselves first and then He Subhanahu Wa ta'ala mentioned our families:

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا قُوا أَنفُسَكُمْ وَأَهْلِيكُمْ نَارًا

"Oh you who has believed, protect yourself and your families from the Fire". (Surah At-Tahreem: 6)

So, nurturing first should start at the individual level, then the kids. On the Day of Qiyamah, we will stand alone, each accountable for what he/she has done. No matter how righteous our child would have grown upto be, it will not avail us if we are not practising righteousness ourselves.

May Allah accept our dua, and a'mal what we do for His Sake. May He make us and our children among the swaliheen, shuhada', anbiya' and give us th best companionship in Jannathul Firdaws....aameen

Wa aakhir da'wana anil hamdu lillahi rabbil 'aalameen.

Source: http://letstriveforjannah.blogspot.com

1. Knowledge of and love for Allah and the deen. This is one of the most precious and enduring gifts you can pass down to your daughter, one that will benefit her in this life and the next.

2. Memorisation of the Qur’an. No matter how little you have memorised yourself, push your daughter to memorise as much she can. Encourage her and help her to revise. It will stand her in good stead in her life and will be a source of reward for you after your death as well.

3. A good example of Muslim womanhood. Most girls look to their mothers for guidance. Embody the characteristics of a strong, faithful Muslimah and she will be inspired to follow your example.

4. A sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Instil a sense of confidence in your child by encouraging her skills, talents and personality to develop. Make her feel secure in her identity and show her that she is loved and appreciated. This will have a positive impact on her future relationships and how she interacts with the world.

5. A sense of modesty. Instil a love for hijab in your daughter and encourage her to be modest, never boastful or conceited, in all areas of her life.

6. Your language. If you speak Arabic, be sure to teach it to her so that she has the key to the understanding of the Qur’an. Also, if you have a mother tongue or speak a second language yourself, pass it on: a second or third language is always an asset, whether in a study, work or social environment.

7. A skill that you have. If you are an avid gardener, knitter or love painting, pass your skill onto your daughter. With so many ‘traditional’ skills being lost in today’s fast-paced world, you owe it to her to share your knowledge and pass it on to the next generation.

8. Your favourite recipes. Yes, teach your daughter how to cook! Be it from a cookbook, an original recipe or passed down from your mother or even your grandmother, we all have our own trademark recipes: pass them on to your daughter and encourage her to develop some specialities of her own.

9. Housekeeping skills. Instil good housekeeping habits in all your children and encourage them to take pride in a neat and tidy home. Pass any tricks or shortcuts on so that your daughter is well-equipped when she has a home of her own.

10. Your family history. Give her a sense of her roots and heritage by sharing your family story with her. Acquaint her with her family tree and teach her the lessons learned by the different generations. Hopefully, she will do the same with her children, insha Allah.

Source: www.idealmuslimah.com