By Fatima A Khan

Our Prophet, sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam told us to,"Give gifts to one another, for gifts take away rancour."

In another account, we learn that He, sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam used to accept a gift and give compensation for it (Bukhari)

A gift is literally anything a person gives without expecting a payment or return. In a marriage it could be turning the kettle on in the morning without being asked, unloading the dishwasher or dryer, or even tidying up before going to bed. All these are gifts, and to follow the sunnah would mean to reciprocate each gesture.

I am a Relationship Coach for Muslim women, and I am a wife as well. Both roles have no "off-duty" shifts, since alhamdu lillah both are my identities. I can tell you from both authorities that women usually are unable to accept gifts with grace.

When your husband gives you something and you shy away with a smile or even silence, you are keeping him from knowing exactly how you feel, or how much you like the gift. Unless you tell him in so many words, he will not know. He may even think that you did not like the gift and think twice before getting you something in the future.

From my experience with Muslim women, I have learnt that their silence usually means

1) they feel that they do not deserve the gift,
2) they don't want to risk looking / sounding silly by revealing just how much they appreciate the gesture.

In reality, the best way to encourage your husband to express himself through gifts is to appreciate him each time he does.Speak out your feelings, tell him exactly what you like about the gift, being attentive to details. A gift could be anything he does for you to make your day a pleasant one, and what you like most about it could even be the though behind it. If that is what you like, then tell him and he will feel encouraged to do it again for the same appreciation inshaAllah.

Thank Allah in each step of your marriage, for all that you have and wish to own in it, thank Him so he may increase you, and accept His gifts with grace.

Fatima A. Khan is a Certified Life Coach specialising in Relationship Coaching for Muslim Women. She has an upcoming free webinar, "Speak His Language: How To Speak So Your Husband Listens on May 15 for Muslim women only. The details and the sign-up form can be found on her website is http://www.LifePepper.org

By Fatima Khan

Alhamdu lillah, the one lesson that sisters are able to pick up on from my webinars is that of the APT approach: to Appreciate, Praise, and Thank your husband, everywhere and everytime.

So what is it about the APT approach that makes me stress it so, just about in every question I am faced with. Surely I'm better equipped as a Relationship Coach to come up with an original answer to each question that sisters ask me. The truth remains, that the most original and honest thing you can do, in any given situation, is to simply be APT.

"The affair of the believer is amazing! The whole of his life is beneficial, and that is only in the case of the believer. When good times come to him, he is thankful and it is good for him, and when bad times befall him, he is patient and it is also good for him." [Muslim]

How about that? Every thing is beneficial.

Appreciate, Praise and Thank your husband.

Appreciate him for all that he does, the duties that he fulfils and the extra steps he takes towards your marriage.

Praise him to let him know you appreciate him, so he knows what he should be more of, or do more of.

Thank him for the small favors he does for you, even if it's taking out the groceries from the car, or turning off the lights when leaving the room.

The APT approach is complete only when you apply it both in solitude and in company of others.

If you are a garment for him, as he is for you, then you provide as much a covering for your husband as he does for you.

I've had many sisters counter this with questions revolving around the husband's actions and all that he ought to do, and doesn't. Sisters, no one shall bear the burden of another. You are ultimately responsible for your actions and duties, exactly how our Prophet sal Allahu alaiyhi wa sallam told us when he said, "(I order you) to give the rights that are on you and to ask your rights from Allah."' [Bukhari]

For starters, here are 3 ways you can adopt the APT approach from the instant you are done reading this article, bi'thnillah.

1) Correct your language, even the voices inside your head.

The biggest favor you can do to yourself from this very moment on, is to drop the, "BUT." Give your husband his due credit by paying him an absolute compliment with no exceptions. The, "but" may help you connect two sentences together, it also makes you feel that one statement is not as true as the next.

Even something as simple as, "My husband's a great father but he forgets our family commitments sometimes" can be set a world apart just by dropping one word. "My husband's a great father." Full stop. "Sometimes he forgets our family commitments. Full stop.

You're on your way to recognize each sentence as a fact, and to give your husband the credit for all that he does do right. Without the contradictions you'll find the APT approach much easier to follow inshaAllah.

2) Who do you spend the most time with?

Alhamdu lillah, you've got a whole lot of things to be thankful in your marriage. How would you feel to share that with the people whom you spend the most time with? Imagine having to think pleasant thoughts, and speak pleasantly of your marriage for the majority of your day, with those whom you're most in touch with. Chances are, you'll be smiling all the way until the evening when your husband comes home, inshaAllah.

Take into consideration those sisters who complain about their marriages or are unhappy about some aspects, giving preference to the dark cloud over the silver lining. You may have come across such sisters in many age groups, and can easily see how a younger sister like that progresses as an older wife. If you fit this description, or know anyone else who does, ask yourself whether the chosen path actually takes you in the direction you seek. If not, then what will?

Also sisters, please make du'a for anyone whom you know to fit this bill, for their marriage and their dunya and akhirah.

3) APT approach with your families

This is a simple step that branches out into immense barakah for your marriage and your families inshaAllah. Appreciate, praise and thank your husband around your family and his. Your parents will be ecstatic to hear of the qualities in your husband that make you happy, and his parents will be humbled to hear of their son in such an admiring manner.

All three steps combined, your husband will want to think of ways to put a smile on your face for all the positive input he gets as a result bi'thnillah.

You are your husband's garment, adorn your relationship with praise and gratitude because drawing attention to his drawbacks to anyone bares your flaws in turn. The APT approach will magnify the good that is in your husband, and encourage him to bring out even more of all that you acknowledge. What you respond to the most, is what he'll give you in turn, for that is where he gets his wife's attention from.

Fatima Khan is a Certified Life Coach and an NLP Practitioner specialising in Relationship Coaching for Muslim Women. She is energetic and optimistic. Her optimism shines through and enables all around her to develop a stronger outlook on life and their relationships. She has a website: http://www.lifepepper.org/. You should sign up for her weekly newsletter by clicking here.

By Mansoor Aleem

Al-Hadiyah Magazine

To read more articles from the Magazine, Click Here

1. Her Obedience to the Creator: A practicing Muslim man loves to have a practicing Muslim wife; who knows that the life of this world is nothing but a test from her Lord; giving her an opportunity to come closer and closer to Allah, doing more and more good deeds to please Him Azza wa jal, restricting herself from the desires of her inner self that go against the will of her Creator.

But as for him who feared standing before his Lord, and restrained himself from impure evil desires, and lusts. Verily, Paradise will be his abode. (Surah An- Naaziyaat: 40-41)

2. Her Haya (Modesty/Shyness): Haya is one of the most significant factors of a woman’s personality. Haya according to a believer's nature refers to a bad and uneasy feeling accompanied by embarrassment, caused by one's fear of being exposed or censured for some unworthy or indecent conduct.[1]

 Prophet Sallallahu alaihiwasallam said: "Haya comes from Eman; Eman leads to Paradise. Obscenity comes from antipathy; and antipathy leads to the fire." (Sahih Al-Bukhari)

A Muslim woman feels shy to do anything that would displease her Lord in any aspect. She has haya in her talk, she has haya in her gaze, she has haya in her clothing, she has haya in her walk. Her haya in her talk is that she is not soft in her speech but speaks honorably. Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala says (interpretation of the meaning):

“O wives of the Prophet! You are not like any other women. If you keep your duty (to Allah), then be not soft in speech, lest he in whose heart is a disease (of hypocrisy, or evil desire for adultery) should be moved with desire, but speak in an honorable manner” (Surah Al-Ahzaab:32)

Her haya in her gaze is that she does not look at what Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala has prohibited for her to look. Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala says (interpretation of the meaning):

And tell the believing women to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts)… (Verse continues) (Surah An-Nur: 31)

Her haya in her clothing is that she does not reveal to others what Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala has forbidden for her to reveal. Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala says (interpretation of the meaning):

...And not to show off their adornment except only that which is apparent (like both eyes for necessity to see the way or outer dress like veil, gloves, head-cover, apron, etc.), and to draw their veils all over Juyubihinna (i.e. their bodies, faces, necks and bosoms,) and not to reveal their adornment except to their husbands, or their fathers, or their husband's fathers, or their sons, or their husband's sons, or their brothers or their brother's sons, or their sister's sons, or their (Muslim) women (i.e. their sisters in Islâm), or the (female) slaves whom their right hands possess, or old male servants who lack vigor, or small children who have no sense of the feminine sex.. (Verse Continues) (Surah An-Nur: 31)

Her haya in her walk is that she walks modestly without attracting others attention towards herself. Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala says (interpretation of the meaning): .

..And let them not stamp their feet so as to reveal what they hide of their adornment. And all of you beg Allâh to forgive you all, O believers, that you may be successful. (Surah An-Nur: 31)

 Abu Usayd al-Ansari narrated that he heard Allah’s Messenger Sallallahu alaihiwasallam say to the women on his way out of the mosque when he saw men and women mixing together on their way home: ‘Give way (i.e., walk to the sides) as it is not appropriate for you to walk in the middle of the road.’ Thereafter, women would walk so close to the wall that their dresses would get caught on it. (Narrated by Abu Dawood in "Kitab al-Adab min Sunanihi, Chapter: Mashyu an-Nisa Ma’ ar-Rijal fi at-Tariq)

A woman who has the knowledge of Allah’s commandment to preserve her modesty, submitting herself to the will of her creator, even after having the desire to be praised for her beauty, is without doubt beloved to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and as well as to all good believing men.

3. Her Beauty: Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala made women beautiful in the sight of men. It’s just that some human beings are more attracted towards some than others. Aishah RadhiyAllahu anha said: “I heard the Prophet Sallallahu alaihiwasallam saying: ‘Souls are like conscripted soldiers; those whom they recognize, they get along with, and those whom they do not recognize, they will not get along with.’” (Sahih Al-Bukhari)

Al-Qurtubi said: “Although they are all souls, they differ in different ways, so a person will feel an affinity with souls of one kind, and will get along with them because of the special quality that they have in common. So we notice that people of all types will get along with those with whom they share an affinity, and will keep away from those who are of other types. [This is like the old saying goes, “Birds of a feather flock together”] For a believing man, a Muslim woman’s beauty is not just how her nose looks or how big her eyes are, but her modesty, purity of heart, and innocence make her look beautiful as well. Also Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala makes people whom He loves, pleasing to others.

 “When Allah loves someone he calls to Jibreel Alaihissalaam saying, ‘O Jibreel, I love such and such a person, so love him.’ Then Jibreel will call to the (angels) of the heavens, ‘Allah loves such and such a person so love him.’ And the angels will love [that person]. And then Allah will place the pleasure in the hearts of the people towards this person.” (Sahih Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

4. Her Intellect/playfulness: Intellect and playfulness are two qualities of women highly liked by men. Every man likes to have an intelligent wife who can advise and support him in day to day matters. Khadija bint Khuwaylid RadhiyAllahu anha was one of the most beloved wives of Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him). She supported Allah’s messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) at the very beginning of his Prophethood when Jibreel alaihissalaam brought the first revelation to him. Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) always admired her and remembered her even long after her death. A playful wife is a joy and pleasure to a man’s heart. Prophet Sallallahu alaihiwasallam recommended Jabir bin 'Abdullah to marry a virgin so that the two could play with each other and amuse each other. Narrated Jabir bin 'Abdullah: "My father died and left seven or nine girls and I married a matron.

Allah's Apostle said to me, "O Jabir! Have you married?" I said, "Yes." He said, "A virgin or a matron?" I replied, "A matron." he said, "Why not a virgin, so that you might play with her and she with you, and you might amuse her and she amuse you." (Hadith continued) (Sahih Al- Bukhari)

5. Her Truthfulness: Being truthful and honest is an essential quality of a believer. ‘Abdullah ibn Mas’ood RadhiyAllahu anh said: The Messenger of Allah Sallallahu alaihiwasallam said: “I urge you to be truthful, for truthfulness leads to righteousness, and righteousness leads to Paradise. A man will continue to be truthful and seek to speak the truth until he is recorded with Allah as speaker of truth (Siddeeq). And beware of lying, for lying leads to immorality and immorality leads to Hell; a man will continue to tell lies until he is recorded with Allah as a liar.” (Sahih Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

A person who is known to lie repeatedly loses his trust. And if that happens in case of a marital relationship the whole relationship falls apart. A woman who is known to be a “Siddeeqah” certainly has a higher status in a Muslim man’s heart.

6. Her Obedience: Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala made man protector and maintainer of the woman and enjoined upon her to obey him in all the matters that do not go against Quran and Sunnah. Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means” (Surah An-Nisa’: 34)

The Messenger of Allah Sallallahu alaihiwasallam said, “The best women is she who when you look at her, she pleases you, when you command her she obeys you, and when you are absent, she protects her honor and your property.” (At-Tabarani, Ibn Majah)

7. Her Patience: Patience is a characteristic that can never be praised enough. A woman who remains patient at the times of hardship and relies on the help and mercy of Allah is without a doubt a beloved servant of Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. Allah says (interpretation of the meaning):

 “And Allah loves As-Saabiroon (the patient)” (Surah Aal Imran: 146) 

8. Her Cooking: Delicious food is without a doubt weakness of men. It’s an old saying that “The Way to a Man's Heart is through his Stomach”. We also know that one of Prophet’s (Sallallahu alaihiwasallam) wives used to cook food that he liked a lot and due to that Aishah radhiyAllahu anha would get jealous, because she didn’t know how to cook that.

9. Her Contentment with Rizq: No man likes to have a woman who is always complaining about how less her husband earns or how rich her other friends are. A good Muslimah is the one who thank Allah for what He has blessed her with and she is thankful to her husband for what he provides her with. Abu Hurairah RadhiyAllahu anh reported: The Prophet Sallallahu alaihiwasallam said, "Richness is not the abundance of wealth, rather it is self-sufficiency.'' (Sahih Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

10. Good Manners: A woman of good manners is a blessing from Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. When she speaks, she speaks honorably, why she deals with others she deals with them kindly. She is polite with elders, loving to children, and good to her fellow folks. It is related by 'Abdullah bin Amr that the Prophet Sallallahu alaihiwasallam said: "The best of you are those who possess the best of manners." (Sahih Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

[1] http://www.missionislam.com/knowledge/Haya.htm

Source: http://www.qabeelathaadi.org//alhadiyah/

Love & Mercy: Permanent Fixtures of Marriage

Dr. Deema Tariq Tahboub

If we take a cursory look at what is being said on television, the radio, in magazines, and on Internet forums about marriage in the past and present, we quickly see a trend. We can summarize this trend by repeating what our grandmothers keep telling us: "The blessing has been taken out of our lives."

There seems to be a consensus that married life was better in the past. It is obvious that we perceive we have problems today in our marriages that did not exist before. In spite of the fact that lives in the past were certainly harder and more rigorous, there was a degree of affection, closeness, and stability in their lives that we do not enjoy today. In spite of the advancements in our knowledge, our technology, and all the conveniences and luxuries that they bring us, it seems like we are less happy than our grandparents. Our social ties are much colder and more strained.

Modern life may be less harsh and grueling, but is more stressful. Moreover, our personal difficulties at home and with our careers are compounded by general economic woes and a world of political crises. Where do we vent our frustrations first? Who gets to bear the brunt of all of our stress? Our spouses, that's who. Oftentimes the spouse is given a share of the blame or accused of not being supportive enough.

And what happens in our busy, stressful lives when one spouse tries to bring love and affection – a little romance – back into the picture? What is often the response?

"Honey, we have no time for all of that. We aren't teenagers anymore. We're full-grown adults."

As if love and affection have an expiration date! As if once we get too old, once we have children and responsibilities, there is no longer any time for such things.

The Qur'ân puts the lie to this idea. Allah says: "And from among His signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves to take comfort with, and He placed between you love and mercy." [Sûrah al-Rûm: 30]

This verse shows us the enduring nature of the love that should exist between the husband and wife. When it speaks about love, it is not talking about those fleeting passions like we see in the movies, but about something substantial, something that is supposed to be woven into the very fabric of married life.

Ibn `Abbâs provides the following commentary on this verse: "A man has love for his wife and the "mercy" is the mercy he feels for her f ever she should face any misfortune. This love and mercy is not some fleeting sentiment. Rather it is the wellspring of enduring tenderness, kindness, and a good relationship."

Therefore, our busy lives, our maturity, our children, and all those other excuses that have become commonplace today to justify an affectionless married life – those excuses carry no weight. It is as our scholars of the past have said: "Society will remain upon goodness as long as they do not seek excuses for themselves."

In spite of the fact that marital love is an established principle of our faith and of our Islamic culture, we have neglected to give it our attention. We are loath to explore its dimensions or to devote serious study to it. Now, instead, I the Muslim world we are debating the idea of "sex education" in our modern school curriculum. Sex education? Is this what we are supposed to be teaching children who have never yet learned how to show love? To boys who have no idea how to properly relate to women – starting with their own mothers and sisters, and then in the future with their wives ad children?

Love – the proper emotion – is a principle of our religion and culture, so much so that Allah has made it part of the completeness of our relationship with Him. "He shall love them and they shall love Him" [Sûrah al-Mâ'idah: 54] Allah could have said: "They shall reverence Him" or "They shall follow Him" or "They shall fear Him". Why did Allah choose "love" as the description for the rope that binds Him to His worshippers?

Scholars of the Qur'an explain: "The perfection of following the tenets of faith and engaging in good works is only realized on the basis of love. It is the means of attainment and of spiritual growth."

Learning about love starts at home. The first examples children have are those of their parents. Therefore, if we as husbands and wives live coldly with each other, without warmth and affection, what example of love are we giving our children? It is ironic that children are the excuse many parents give for not having the time for a loving and affectionate marital life.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) was most affectionate and tender towards his family and he exhorted his followers to be the same. During his farewell pilgrimage, in that famous last sermon, he addressed his followers saying: "I advise you to be good to your womenfolk. Only a noble man shows them honor and only a base man shows them contempt."

Knowledge comes from learning ad love from being loving. Whoever sews love in their marital lives shall reap love, and whoever sews gruffness and harshness in their marriages shall have a bitter harvest.

Source: http://www.islamtoday.com

Couples can return to the state of intimacy from conflict, if, and only if, they stop hurting each other and return to meeting each other’s emotional needs again.

What is intimacy?

Intimacy is closeness to each other. In an intimate state, spouses communicate smoothly, rush to do whatever it takes to make each other happy, and avoid what might upset or annoy the other. Couples can achieve this state only through meeting each other’s psychological, emotional and physical needs.

Reviving and maintaining intimacy: Mainstream-counseling perspective

From Dr. Harley's research and experience in trying to save marriages through counseling, he concluded that couples negotiate from one of three states of mind, each having its own unique negotiating rules and its own unique emotional reactions. He called these states of mind, 'intimacy', 'conflict' and 'withdrawal'.

Couples can return to the state of intimacy from conflict, if, and only if, they stop hurting each other and return to meeting each other's emotional needs again. The first and most important concept that Dr. Harley produced to help couples understand the rise and fall of romantic love is "the Love Bank Account". In his study of what it takes to build love bank accounts, he learned that habits were much more important to consider than isolated instances of behavior. Habits that deposit love units build very large love bank balances because they are repeated over and over almost effoltressly. Isolated behaviors, on the other hand, usually do not affect the love bank much. Similarly, habits that withdraw love units tend to destroy love bank balances because they are also repeated almost effoltressly. In marriage, one of the most destructive behaviors is an angry outburst, where one spouse intentionally tries to hurt the other one, causing massive love bank withdrawals.

As a starting point to build the love bank balance, dr. Harley encourages spouses to get into the habit of doing whatever it takes to make each other happy (deposit love units), and avoid habits that make each other unhappy (withdraw love units). Through his counseling experience, he proved the success of his approach in saving marriages and restoring intimacy. As soon as he realized that a large love bank balance triggered the feeling of love, he tried to discover what spouses could do for each other that would make the largest love bank deposits. "What could your spouse do for you that would make you the happiest?" He asked each couple that he counseled, and then he compiled the answers he had in a set of audiotapes that teaches what a husband needs from his wife and what a wife needs from her husband.

Reviving and maintaining intimacy: Islamic perspective

As committed Muslims who believe that the Islamic message is the absolute final truth that provides the cure for every ailment and grants the ultimate happiness in both this life and eternal life, we weigh any information or research findings with the message of Islam to accept what is compatible and reject what contradicts any of Islam's teachings. Dr. Harley's recommendations in the twenty first century were not any different from what Allaah Almighty, and his Messenger sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) taught us fourteen hundred years ago.

Marriage unites the souls

The Quran emphasizes the essential unity of men and women in the most beautiful metaphor for intimacy. Allaah Says (what means): "…They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them…" [Quran 2: 187]

Just as a garment hides our nakedness, so do husband and wife, by entering into the relationship of marriage, secure each other's chastity, and cover each other's faults. The garment gives comfort, grace and beauty to the body; so does a husband find comfort in his wife's company and she in his.

The Quran has given the comprehensive description of intimacy in marriage, and considered it one of His Signs. Allaah Says (what means): "And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought." [Quran 30: 21]

Islamic tips to restore and maintain intimacy in marriage

Islam gave us detailed instructions that identify rights, responsibilities and characters of both husband and wife to build their relationship on mutual love, respect, and mercy. Here are the most important tips that lead to a successful and happy marriage.

1. Faith: Common faith binds the couple strongly. Since Islam is a way of life, it becomes an integral part of a Muslim's life. Couples with strong faith will share the same values and the frame of reference and communicate smoothly and effectively. Faith plays an essential role in developing a loving relationship.

Couples who work on strengthening their faith, for example by performing the Prayer, reading Quran, and seeking Islamic knowledge together, become closer. They love and please Allaah through loving and pleasing each other. The commitment couples make to Allaah are excellent facilitators for enhancing their family's spiritual development and commitment to Allaah and His Religion.

2. Forgiving: When the Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) said to his Companions may Allaah be pleased with them: "Do you wish that Allaah should forgive you?" They said, 'of course, O Prophet of Allaah.' He sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) responded: 'Then forgive each other.'"

One of the main components of a happy marriage is forgiveness. It is a challenge not to blame and to move past an incident when one hurts the other. This can only happen if we are not too proud to ask for forgiveness and we are not too stingy to forgive.

3. Friendship: A relationship based on friendship is more able to withstand outside pressures. We mean the friendship that is based on honor, trust, respect, acceptance and care for each other, in spite of our differences.

4. Feelings: The Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) stated that Allaah forgives all sins if we repent but not those we have committed against others, i.e., hurt their feelings unless the person we have hurt forgives first. Couples must be very careful not to hurt the feelings of each other and if they inadvertently do, they should apologize as soon as possible. Since one does not know when someone they love will leave this world, is it not better to make amends when we have the time?

5. Openness: Marital relationship is where the partners must feel safe to speak their mind honestly with due consideration to the other's feeling, without compromising their own views. When the communication is not sincere it hinders the development of closeness and deep understanding of each other's inner self.

6. Flattering: Paving compliments and indulging in honest flattery is a very inexpensive way to win your spouses heart. Everyone likes to be appreciated and noticed. So being scant with compliments is actually depriving one of being appreciated in return.

7. Unconditional giving: The heart does not put conditions or make stipulations. It gives without expecting anything in return, but such selfless giving is always rewarded tenfold.

8. Fallibility: When couples start to demand the impossible they must remind themselves that only Allaah is Perfect.

Source: www.islamweb.net

Bismillaah. Allaahumma jannibnash-Shaytaana, wa jannibish-Shaytaana maa razaqtanaa.

With the Name of Allah. O Allah, keep the I Devil away from us and keep the Devil away from that which You provide for us.

(Reference: Al-Bukhari, Muslim)

To Listen to the Du'a:

Abu Huraira (Allaah be pleased with him) reported Allaah's Messenger (sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam) as saying: A believing man should not hate a believing woman; if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another. (Muslim, 3469)

The young and excited bride-and-groom-to-be; ecstatic about the upcoming wedding and marriage and the joy that it will bring. Three to six months later, reality has set in and both spouses realize that marriage is no easy task, but one that takes a great deal of effort and patience. The following are tips for both wives and husbands, to help make the task a little less daunting, and to increase the many rewards that are possible in such a marvelous and complex relationship.

Enter the Marriage with the Right Intention and Renew this Often

Both spouses should enter the marriage with the pure intention of pleasing Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, in order to receive His grace and blessings. The marriage itself then becomes an act of worship and one for which both spouses will be rewarded. Allah will be pleased with them and this will be the most critical element in ensuring peace, stability and happiness throughout the marital life. It is also important to realize that when an act of worship is continued over a long period of time, it becomes necessary to renew one's intention often to remain on the correct path and to obtain the most benefit.

Remember that Your Spouse is also Your Brother or Sister in Islam

Too often Muslims treat other people outside the home with kindness and sincerity, but then behave in a very different manner when it comes to their own spouses. Muslims should always remember that one's spouse is also another brother or sister in Islam and that the rights and duties that apply to the general brotherhood (sisterhood) of Islam, should also form the basis of the marital relationship. Obviously, a spouse has rights beyond these, but there should be a clear understanding of the rights of brotherhood (sisterhood) and adherence to these principles.

Do Not Hold Unrealistic Expectations

Before marriage, people often have unrealistic ideas about their spouse-to-be, expecting perfection in all aspects. This rarely, if ever, plays out in reality and can lead to unnecessary problems and concerns. We should recall that Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, created humans as imperfect beings, which means that many mistakes will be made throughout a lifetime. By turning the table and expecting imperfection, we will be pleasantly surprised and pleased when our spouse is much more than we ever hoped for. This, in turn, will lead to contentment within the marriage.

Emphasize the Best in Your Spouse

Since no one is endowed with all of the best qualities, emphasis should be placed on the positive qualities that a spouse possesses. Encouragement, praise, and gratitude should be expressed on a regular basis, which will strengthen these qualities and be beneficial in developing others. An attempt should be made to overlook or ignore negative characteristics, as the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "A believing man should not have any malice against a believing woman. He may dislike one characteristic in her, but may find another in her which is pleasing." (Muslim)

Be Your Mate's Best Friend

Try to think of what a best friend means and be one to your spouse. This may mean sharing interests, experiences, dreams, failures and upsets. It may involve understanding a spouse's likes and dislikes and attempting to please him or her in any way possible. A best friend is also usually someone that can be confided to trusted, and relied upon. A spouse should be the kind of friend that one would want to keep throughout life.

Spend Quality Time Together

It is not enough to share meals, chores and small talk together. Spouses should also find time to focus on strengthening the relationship. Often couples get busy with their own separate tasks and forget about working on one of the most important elements in life. Quality time may be anything from having a quiet, profound conversation to going for a nice long nature walk, to sharing a special hobby or project. Both spouses should enjoy the particular option chosen and distractions should be kept to a minimum.

Express Feelings Often

This is probably a very "Western" concept and one that some people may have difficulty fulfilling, but it is important to be open and honest about one's feelings, both positive and negative. The lines of communication should always be open and any concerns should be brought to the attention of the other spouse as soon as they arise. The rationale of this is that what begins as a simple concern may grow into a major problem if it is not addressed quickly and properly. The "silent treatment" has never been the remedy for anything.

Admit to Mistakes and ask for Forgiveness

Just as we ask Allah to forgive us when we make mistakes, we should also do the same with our spouses. The stronger person is the one who can admit when he or she is wrong, request pardon from the other, and work hard to improve his/her aspects that are in need of change. When a person is unwilling to do this, there will be little growth and development in the marriage.

Never Bring up Mistakes of the Past

It can be very hurting for another person to be reminded of past mistakes. In Islam, it is generally not recommended to dwell on the past. One may remember errors that were made so that they are not repeated, but this should not be done excessively. Certainly, as humans, we are not in the position to judge another person. Advice may be given, but not in a harmful manner.

Surprise Each Other at Times

This may entail bringing home a small gift or flowers, preparing a special meal, dressing up and beautifying oneself (this is not only for women), or sending a secret note in a lunchbox. A little imagination will go a long way here. The idea is to spice up the marriage and avoid getting into a dull routine that may negatively affect the marriage.

Have a Sense of Humour

This particular aspect can go a long way in preventing arguments and brightening the atmosphere of the home. Life is a constant stream of challenges and tests, and to approach it in a light-hearted manner will help to make the journey smoother and more enjoyable. You may also find that your spouse enjoys this characteristic and looks forward to spending time with you because of it.

Quick Tips for Discussions and Disagreements:

Begin with the intention to resolve the issue. If both spouses have this intention and plan to consult together, it is more likely that there will be a successful resolution.

Remember that it takes two to quarrel. If only one person chooses not to argue, there will be no argument. Generally, the one who is wrong does most of the talking.

Both spouses should not be angry at the same time. If one of the spouses becomes upset, it is best if the other tries to remain calm and collected.

Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. Of course, house fires do not occur very frequently; yelling should occur at about the same rate.

Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled. This is one of the worst things that can happen in a marriage and should be avoided as much as possible. This allows hurt feelings and thoughts to linger and generally exacerbates the problem.

If one spouse needs to win, let it be your mate. Do not focus on winning yourself; this is the main reason that discussions tend to become heated.

Source: http://english.islamway.com