Phase 1(A) (Choosing a Partner)

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• You are invited on a journey of life; married life, that is.
• We’ll take you through various phases in their lives to gain wisdom and learn lessons in order for you to be proactive in your approacj to your married life.

Choosing a Partner

Allah (swt) says to us:

Your wives are a tilth for you, so go to your tilth, when or how you will, and send (good deeds, or ask Allâh to bestow upon you pious offspring) for your ownselves beforehand. And fear Allâh, and know that you are to meet Him (in the Hereafter), and give good tidings to the believers (O Muhammad SAW). (2:223)

Allah’s Messenger (saw) has adviced us: “Choose carefully for your children; marry the suitable and give in marriage to them.” (Reported by Ibn Majah (1/633) and others; graded hasan by Al Albani)

•     Think! What is your number one duty towards your children?

The Husband   

Now that you know that choosing the spouse is the most important right of your children upon you, let us talk about the man.

Allah (swt) says:

And marry those among you who are single (i.e. a man who has no wife and the woman who has no husband) and (also marry) the Sâlihûn (pious, fit and capable ones) of your (male) slaves and maid-servants (female slaves). If they be poor, Allâh will enrich them out of His Bounty. And Allâh is All-Sufficient for His creatures’ needs, All-Knowing (about the state of the people). (24: 32)

Allah’s Messenger (saw) ordered us: “If a man comes (and asks for your daughter’s hand in marriage) who possesses ethical conduct and religious origin to her). If you do not, it will be a great trial and mischief on the face of the earth.” (Al Tirmidhi, Ibn Majah and al Hakim with a sound chain of narrators)

The Two Conditions: First, Moral Conduct

Allah (swt) says:

And marry those among you who are single (i.e. a man who has no wife and the woman who has no husband) and (also marry) the Sâlihûn (pious, fit and capable ones) of your (male) slaves and maid-servants (female slaves). If they be poor, Allâh will enrich them out of His Bounty. And Allâh is All-Sufficient for His creatures’ needs, All-Knowing (about the state of the people). (24: 32)

Why would Allah’s Messenger (saw) stipulate ethical conduct as a condition for marriage?

•    A woman is full of emotions; if you marry her to a man who does not possess moral conduct, he may not treat her with the sensitivity she deserves.

•    The man also has to realize the hormonal imbalance that any woman endures because of the menstrual cycle, so he should treat her with extra tenderness and kindness during this time. Prophet (saw) used to love Aishah (ra) more when she was on her menstrual cycle because he realized that she needs more Tender, Love and Care (TLC) during that time.

•    The difference between men and women in debate and discussion. Umm al-Mu’mineen As’ishah (May Allah be pleased with her) was not able to defend herself properly at the time of the great lie or even remember the name she was trying to recall (so she had to ‘Abu Yusuf’ instead of ‘Yaqub’). This means that she needs extra patience and forbearance, which she is more likely to get from a man of ethics and courtesy than from a man who is deficient in these qualities.

Allah (swt) says:

Bad statements are for bad people (or bad women for bad men) and bad people for bad statements (or bad men for bad women). Good statements are for good people (or good women for good men) and good people for good statements (or good men for good women), such (good people) are innocent of (every) bad statement which they say, for them is Forgiveness, and Rizqun Karîm (generous provision i.e.Paradise). (24: 26)

Allah’s Messenger (saw) said: Jabir narrated that he (saw) said: “Indeed, the most beloved to me among you, and the closest company to me on Judgement day; is the best of you in ethical conduct.” (Al Tirmidhi and others)

•    He (saw) dismissed one of the three seekers of marriage, when he (saw) was asked for his opinion, because the man used to mistreat women:

“He strikes women, he does not rest his stick on his shoulder.” (Bukhari and Muslim)

Women were created from a rib, so deal with them with good manners.

The Two Conditions: Second, Religious Background

Allah’s Messenger (saw) said: It is sufficient for us to know that there is an opinion to the effect that, f a man does not pray, he is not a Muslim, according to this Hadeeth: “The difference between the man and the state of disbelief and ascribing partners unto Allah is leaving the prayer.” (Narrated by Muslim)

Allah (swt) says:

O you who believe! When believing women come to you as emigrants, examine them, Allâh knows best as to their Faith, then if you ascertain that they are true believers, send them not back to the disbelievers, They are not lawful (wives) for the disbelievers nor are the disbelievers lawful (husbands) for them. But give (the disbelievers) that (amount of money) which they have spent [as their Mahr[]] to them. And there will be no sin on you to marry them if you have paid their Mahr to them. Likewise hold not the disbelieving women as wives, and ask for (the return of) that which you have spent (as Mahr) and let them (the disbelievers) ask back for that which they have spent. That is the Judgement of Allâh. He judges between you. And Allâh is All-Knowing, All-Wise. (60:10)

What is the Connection between Ibadah and Akhlaq (Manners)?

•    Indeed Salah will forbid evil and enjoin good.
•    Prayer keeps us in the right track and forgives our sins.
•    Zakat purifies wealth and increases it.
•    Fasting helps us gain Taqwa (piety, righteousness, fear of Allah)
•    Hajj helps us gain patience, brotherhood, etc.

Prophet (saw) was sent to us to perfect ones character.

Islam teaches us to become the best human being through our actions in Ibadah (worship). We do Ibadah (worship) to get closer to Allah and try to attain paradise through good actions and manners.

•   Have you ever pondered and reflected upon the question of how, if a man is negligent of his duties toward Allah, he is going to perform his duties towards his wife?

Other Factors to Consider

First: Means

He (saw) also dismissed one of the three seekers of marriage when he was asked by Fatimah bint Qais for his opinion, because he did not have the means to get married.
“He has no merit; he does not possess any money.” (Bukhari and Musim)

Second: Appearance

He (saw) recommended that a woman see her future husband so that she can be content with his appearance.

Habibah bint Sahl came to complain to Prophet (saw) about her husband Thabit ibn Qais, may Allah be pleased with both of them, and said, “We shall never be together again. When I look at him among other men, i see him to be the darkest, the shortest and ugliest.”

So Allah’s Messenger (saw) said: “It is better to see who you are going to marry, so that your heart will be content.” (In sahih Al Tirmidhi; authenticated by al Albani)

Third: Fertility

He (saw) denied Ma’qal ibn Yasar’s request to marry a woman who was high born because she was known to be barren. So it is only befitting for a man to marry a fertile woman, because she can be the source of children.

Likewise, a woman should marry a fertile husband else she would have to ask for divorce in order to marry another man for the sake of children.

The Messenger of Allah (saw) said: “Marry the fertile and loving; verily, I am going to be boasting of your abundance among other nations n Judgement day.” (Abu Dawud and an Nasai)

How do we know if a man/woman is not fertile before getting married?

If his/her family is having a history of infertility, then we can assume that he/she might not be fertile. If she/he is not fertile, then get married to someone who does not want children.

Fourth: Piety

Piety is an important factor in the selection of a husband ( i.e. in the selection of a son in law, often).

A man came to al Hassan (ra) for advice and said, “O Hassan, a few men have come to ask for my daughter’s hand in marriage, to whom shall I marry her?” He (ra) replied, “Marry her to the pious one, because if he loves her he will treat her well, and if he dislikes her he will not treat her unfairly.”

Read Phase 1(B) Choosing a Partner, Wife