More Than Just a Religion (Lost in the Woods – 3)

By Maryam Abdullah

This is the 1st and the 2nd part of Maryam's struggle to find her way to Islam.

I finally pulled it together and asked my husband to take three steps back. I told him that he almost succeeded in killing me the last time. I told him that he can kill me now, if he wants to, but that he will have to live with that and answer to God. I will be in a better place.

I then told him again to take three steps back. He did, I ran, picked up the little baby, and told my two year old and three year old to run, and they did. We went to the neighbor's house, and called a shelter. They picked us up. We never looked back. Allah saved us.

I was 27 years old. I started a journey of survival for my little family. I was in a new county, and new city. There were no mosques in the area. I was at the mercy of the hands that were willing to help us. I went to the churches that we were told to go to. And we continued to survive.

During those years, I worked full time, and eventually went to school while rearing my children. I never forgot what the sisters had taught me. There were so many times when we needed a miracle, to get food, or keep our heat, and little by little, miracle by miracle, one day at a time, we found ourselves doing better. It was 20 years of a very rocky road.

And the dramas of life did not end at the shelter. But Allah was there for us, every step of the way, even if we did not know how to worship Him or understand Islam. And I never forgot the story of Lady Hajar. That is what kept me going when I did not have enough money for food, or shoes for my children.

I remembered. But I did indeed venture off. I dedicated myself to learning the truth about God. I studied every religion I could, and read every scripture I could find. I was not satisfied with contemporary Christianity. I studied the history of Christianity, and found the truth.

The history will teach the inquirer, about how the Abrahamic religion was reintroduced by a wonderful teacher and messenger, and this message became merged with the other religions of the land.

A man and prophet who will one day return to us. The hope is to understand the real message through all of the layers of additions and omissions to the teaching that he wanted his followers to understand. And it may be impossible to grasp it from what we have left.

So, where do we turn for truth? I had studied Sikhism, Buddhism, several versions of Christianity, Hinduism, and read so many scriptures. All of which had become distorted over time. I continued to have an unquenchable hunger to live a spiritual life…but I was lost. I even tried new age philosophy and how to direct my own life… but this too was futile.

My life had improved dramatically. I was now employed as a doctor and able to pay my bills, and my children were older now. By the time I was ready to graduate, I was also ready to make one final search of my heart and my mind.

But I wanted something more than just another religion. I wanted a way to live close to God… in Reality. And the only way to do that is to submit to the will of God. The ultimate secret. And I had forgotten my Islam, the Quran through this search. So strange. But my journey led me to a friend that is truly the friend of Allah. I know that Allah has been leading my journey all the while.

In July of 2006, I started my post doc position at a state mental hospital and worked on a unit with a clinical team. On the team was a Muslim psychiatrist. We had to work together and discuss patients. Somehow, our conversation turned from patient care to religion, and I shared with this person my history with Islam.

We began talking some more, and the memory of those days, more than 20 years ago. I began remembering all the years of struggle, and all the times when "Divine Order" seemed to take over and care for me and my children when we could not care for ourselves.

I wondered how in the world I made it this far. And my heart once again turned to God, Allah. I determined to settle my mind as to the right path once and for all. I had been studying most of the world religions, and the history of religion. And I did conduct one last "investigation", if you will.

Nothing made more sense to me than acknowledging that there is only one God. No matter how you look at it, that is what you will realize. You can realize this truth through humanities, science and religion. All paths lead to the one god. There just isn’t any getting around it. It isn't a theology. It is All-theology. So, my intellect was finally at rest. And after a long intellectual journey, this was truly a blessing.

But was the Quran truly a revelation? Was Muhammad a messenger? I pondered. I compared some o the other religious scriptures to the Quran. I reviewed what I had learned about the history of the contemporary "Bible" that contemporary Christians consider the "word of God". And I knew that the religion of Abraham was the one that put an end to the illusions and confusions of deluded people.

And I am aware of cycles and how we humans can have a realization, then lose all sight of it very quickly, and how Moses had to tell people to stop worshiping cows. And when I read the Quran again, with the knowledge that the Arabic version is still pure and authentic… I knew both intellectually, and in my heart, that the Quran was a revelation to Muhammad, Muhammad was/is our messenger.

To tell us again, what we have forgotten and to show us the way back to peace. Then I had no reason not to want to submit to the will of Allah. We are so much better off aligning our will with the will of Allah, and putting our heart, our hope and our life in Him.

I had come full circle. This is what I knew at age 8. And now, I had so much to reflect on. Why didn't I die? With an extensive background in cognitive challenges, I had to ask myself why I did not have brain damage. My children had been provided for through all the years.

This is the Grace and Mercy of Allah. I realized that I had been living from the Grace of Allah, and only Allah. And now, I had the compass that I was looking for. I reverted back to my original faith. I reverted back to my original awareness. And I am now making a concerted effort to submit to the will of Allah.

It is a daily work for me to let go of programming and mental and attitudinal habits that I picked up along the way, that get in my way of submission… but every day gets better. The prayers really help me to surrender and stay in that "consciousness" where I can let go, and allow Allah to unfold my life according to his will.

I know and have a true trust now, that this is in my best interest, and I experience Allah as my protector, my provider, and a love that transcends comprehension. For me, this is my first step into Islam, and I am wondrous and excited to follow deeper, as Islam is fathomless and eternal.

I am so grateful to Allah for bringing me here… bringing me home. My colleague and his wife brought me into their home, and treated me like family. They took me to Ramadan every day. And they taught me. I declared Shahada, testimony of faith, on Oct 1, 2007. Back home to Islam. On that day, our community Imam named me Maryam.

It was a new start to an eternal journey back to God.

Source: www.readingislam.com