Phase 2 – Roadmap to Happy Beginnings- The Rules of Engagement

Read the previous Phase (1): Choosing a Partner

Let the journey begin.

Having implemented the four point decision and gotten a clear positive sign, you might be wondering what to do next.

Congratulations; you have made the important decision.

Welcome to your married life. So sit back, relax and enjoy the dawn of your marriage: your engagement period and wedding.

The Rules of Engagement
The most common questions at this stage are about gender relations and what is permissible during the engagement period.
The following is a summary of the main etiquettes of the engagement period:

Adornment: It is not permissible for a woman to show her adornment except to those whom Allah (SWT) has mentioned in the ayah:

Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts). That is purer for them. Verily, Allâh is All-Aware of what they do.  And tell the believing women to lower their gaze, and protect their private parts and not to show off their adornment except only that which is apparent, and to draw their veils all over Juyubihinna (i.e. their bodies, faces, necks and bosoms,) and not to reveal their adornment except to their husbands, or their fathers, or their husband’s fathers, or their sons, or their husband’s sons, or their brothers or their brother’s sons, or their sister’s sons, or their (Muslim) women  or the (female) slaves whom their right hands possess, or old male servants who lack vigour, or small children who have no sense of the feminine sex. And let them not stamp their feet so as to reveal what they hide of their adornment. And all of you beg Allâh to forgive you all, O believers, that you may be successful (Surah al Noor:30-31)

The suitor/fiancé is not one of these; rather he is only permitted to look for the purpose of proposing marriage, and the woman does not have the right to adorn herself for him.

Shaykh Ibn Uthaymeen (May Allah have mercy on him) said: It is permissible for the suitor to see the woman to whom he is proposing marriage, but that is subject to certain conditions.

1. That he needs to see her. If there is no need then the basic principle is that a man should not look at a woman who is a non-mahram to him, because Allah says: “Tell the believing man to lower their gaze” (al Noor 24:30)
2. He should have made up his mind that he wants to propose. If he is still hesitant then he should not look, but if he has made up his mind then he may look; then he should either go ahead or give up the idea.
3. This looking must be without being alone with her, i.e. it is essential that she has one of her mahrams with her, either her father, brother, paternal uncle or maternal uncle.

   This is because being alone with a non-mahram woman is haram, because the Messenger (SWT) said, “No man should be alone with a woman without a mahram being present.” And he (SAW) also said, “O Messenger of Allah, what about the [brother] in law? He said, “The brother in law is death.” (This is a strong warning because of the potential peril in this relationship, which arises from the closeness and trust that naturally holds between a man and his brother).

4. He should think it likely that she and her family will accept his proposal if he proposes. If he does not think that is likely, then there is no point in his looking at her in this case, because his proposal is unlikely to be accepted whether he looks at her or not.

Desire:  Some scholars have stipulated that his desire should not be provoked when looking, and that his aim should be only to find out whether he can find her attractive.  “If his desire is provoked then he must stop looking, because before the marriage contract is done with a woman, it is not appropriate to enjoy looking at her, so he must refrain. In this situation the woman must appear before the suitor looking ordinary; she should not come out wearing beautiful clothes or makeup, because she is not yet his wife. Moreover, if she comes to him looking beautiful and wearing her best clothes, then he may propose because he was dazzled by her the first time he looked at her, then later he will find out that she is not as she appeared to him at first. “ (fataawa noor ala al darb)

Read the next part: Pre-requisites od the Marriage Contract