Phase 1(B) (Choosing a Partner)

Read Part 1 of Choosing a Partner (Husband)

The Wife

Let us look at the big picture, i.e. the Ummah.

The Ummah is made of nations, nations are made of communities, communities are made of families, and the core of the family is the woman.

Indeed she is the mother, the sister, the daughter, the aunt, the wife and most of all, the teacher of our children, the future of the Ummah.

SO let us look at the criteria for the cornerstone of the Ummah.

Criteria

Most of us know the following Hadeeth, but unfortunately only a few heed the recommendations of Allah’s chosen Habeeb (beloved) (saw)

He (saw) said, “A woman is married for four reasons: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her deen. So choose the one with [good practice of] the deen, may your hands be rubbed in dust.” (Bukhari; Muslim)

It must not be understood from the above hadeeth that it is not correct to look for beauty during marriage. Imam ibn Hajr (rahimullah) says: “ We understand from the [above] hadeeth a recommendation to marry beautiful women except in the case where in there is a beautiful women who is not religious vs a religion women who is not beautiful. Indeed, if there are similar in their deen, then the beautiful one is more worthy of marriage!” (Fathul Bari 9/134)

This is also understood from the recommendation of the shari’ah to look at the prospective bride before marrying. (Ihyaa Ulum ad Deen 2/35)

It is because of this that Imam Ahmed rahimullah said, “If a man seeks to get married, then he should ask about her beauty first. If she is beautiful, then he should ask regarding her deen. If she is praised for her deen, then he can proceed to marry her. If she is not praised for her deen, then he can proceed to marry her. If she is not praised for her practice of the deen, then his rejecting her would be on the basis of religion. He should not ask first about deen and then her beauty. This is because he would then reject based on beauty, not religion.” (Sharh Muntaha al Iradat 3/5)

Beauty

Islam is a practical deen; it does not deprive a man of the right to look for beauty in his wife. However, you should not build your married life on beauty alone without other supporting factors.

Lineage

It is also preferable to marry a woman with good lineage. This is inferred from the hadeeth of the four reasons for which a woman is married. (hadeeth mentioned above)

So it is recommended to marry a woman possessing good lineage if possible; however if she does not practise the deen well, then the one who does practise the deen well but does not have a good lineage should be given precedence.

Pleasure

Most of us want to be happy and enjoy the pleasures of life. However, you might be surprised by the deen’s definition of the best pleasure in life:

Allah’s Messenger (saw) said, “Life is a form of pleasure; and the best form of pleasure in this life is a righteous woman.” (Muslim)

Treasure

Now that you know about the best pleasure in life, how about the best treasure in life?

The Messenger (saw) said, “Have I not told you about the best treasure that a person possesses? The righteous woman: if he looks at her, she pleases him; if he asks her, she answers; and if he travels, she protects her chastity.” (Abu Dawud)

Fertility

If you are marrying for the first time and you know that a woman is barren from the evidence of previous marriage of hers, then you should look instead for a woman who is known to be from a fertile family (unless you are infertile yourself).

Allah’s Messenger (saw) said, “Marry the fertile and loving; verily I am going to be boasting about your abundance  among other nations on Judgement day.” (Abu Dawud)

Virgin

You may also look for a virgin, according to the recommendatation of Prophet Mohammed (saw) to Jabir ibn Abdullah (ra) when he was informed that Jabir had married a woman who was not, even though it was his first marriage, he (saw) said: “Should you not have married a virgin woman, so that you could be playful with her, and she could be playful with you.” (Al Bukhari)

You should see your future wife beforehand, even though there are cultures and traditions that discourage this practice. However, we must aim to distinguish between cultural practices and the deen.

Islam accepts traditions as long as they do not contradict its principles and teachings.

Qualities which should not exist in your wife

•    Ongoing Anger
•    Frowning
•    Comparing to other men
•    Married before and talking about the past
•    Humiliating
•    Constant complaining

Make sure you don’t have these characteristics too!

Be positive when someone tells our traits, focus to change it.

Read the next part: The “Back Home” Syndrome