The APT Approach: 3 Simple Steps to a Better Marriage

By Fatima Khan

Alhamdu lillah, the one lesson that sisters are able to pick up on from my webinars is that of the APT approach: to Appreciate, Praise, and Thank your husband, everywhere and everytime.

So what is it about the APT approach that makes me stress it so, just about in every question I am faced with. Surely I’m better equipped as a Relationship Coach to come up with an original answer to each question that sisters ask me. The truth remains, that the most original and honest thing you can do, in any given situation, is to simply be APT.

“The affair of the believer is amazing! The whole of his life is beneficial, and that is only in the case of the believer. When good times come to him, he is thankful and it is good for him, and when bad times befall him, he is patient and it is also good for him.” [Muslim]

How about that? Every thing is beneficial.

Appreciate, Praise and Thank your husband.

Appreciate him for all that he does, the duties that he fulfils and the extra steps he takes towards your marriage.

Praise him to let him know you appreciate him, so he knows what he should be more of, or do more of.

Thank him for the small favors he does for you, even if it’s taking out the groceries from the car, or turning off the lights when leaving the room.

The APT approach is complete only when you apply it both in solitude and in company of others.

If you are a garment for him, as he is for you, then you provide as much a covering for your husband as he does for you.

I’ve had many sisters counter this with questions revolving around the husband’s actions and all that he ought to do, and doesn’t. Sisters, no one shall bear the burden of another. You are ultimately responsible for your actions and duties, exactly how our Prophet sal Allahu alaiyhi wa sallam told us when he said, “(I order you) to give the rights that are on you and to ask your rights from Allah.”‘ [Bukhari]

For starters, here are 3 ways you can adopt the APT approach from the instant you are done reading this article, bi’thnillah.

1) Correct your language, even the voices inside your head.

The biggest favor you can do to yourself from this very moment on, is to drop the, “BUT.” Give your husband his due credit by paying him an absolute compliment with no exceptions. The, “but” may help you connect two sentences together, it also makes you feel that one statement is not as true as the next.

Even something as simple as, “My husband’s a great father but he forgets our family commitments sometimes” can be set a world apart just by dropping one word. “My husband’s a great father.” Full stop. “Sometimes he forgets our family commitments. Full stop.

You’re on your way to recognize each sentence as a fact, and to give your husband the credit for all that he does do right. Without the contradictions you’ll find the APT approach much easier to follow inshaAllah.

2) Who do you spend the most time with?

Alhamdu lillah, you’ve got a whole lot of things to be thankful in your marriage. How would you feel to share that with the people whom you spend the most time with? Imagine having to think pleasant thoughts, and speak pleasantly of your marriage for the majority of your day, with those whom you’re most in touch with. Chances are, you’ll be smiling all the way until the evening when your husband comes home, inshaAllah.

Take into consideration those sisters who complain about their marriages or are unhappy about some aspects, giving preference to the dark cloud over the silver lining. You may have come across such sisters in many age groups, and can easily see how a younger sister like that progresses as an older wife. If you fit this description, or know anyone else who does, ask yourself whether the chosen path actually takes you in the direction you seek. If not, then what will?

Also sisters, please make du’a for anyone whom you know to fit this bill, for their marriage and their dunya and akhirah.

3) APT approach with your families

This is a simple step that branches out into immense barakah for your marriage and your families inshaAllah. Appreciate, praise and thank your husband around your family and his. Your parents will be ecstatic to hear of the qualities in your husband that make you happy, and his parents will be humbled to hear of their son in such an admiring manner.

All three steps combined, your husband will want to think of ways to put a smile on your face for all the positive input he gets as a result bi’thnillah.

You are your husband’s garment, adorn your relationship with praise and gratitude because drawing attention to his drawbacks to anyone bares your flaws in turn. The APT approach will magnify the good that is in your husband, and encourage him to bring out even more of all that you acknowledge. What you respond to the most, is what he’ll give you in turn, for that is where he gets his wife’s attention from.

Fatima Khan is a Certified Life Coach and an NLP Practitioner specialising in Relationship Coaching for Muslim Women. She is energetic and optimistic. Her optimism shines through and enables all around her to develop a stronger outlook on life and their relationships. She has a website: http://www.lifepepper.org/. You should sign up for her weekly newsletter by clicking here.