Mar 29, 2009

Posted by in Parenting | 3 Comments

Upbringing of Children

Allah says in the Quràn:

“Whatever is in the heavens and on earth doth declare the Praises and Glory of Allah: to Him belongs Dominion and to Him belongs Praise: and He has power over all things.“ (64:1)

“Your riches and your children may be a trial: but in the Presence of Allah is the highest Reward.“ (64:15

Consider other verses in the Quran where the power of Allah is mentioned. The purpose of life is clear. Each one of us has been assigned a job to do by our self. Spouse and children are trials and are also referred as enemy’s coz in their love one can forget Allah/wrong upbringing can end us in hell. The day children are of no help.

Prophet (saw) said -children are the flowers of paradise. –children make a person weak i.e, their love could drive us to sin if not monitored. –the best gift a parent can give to there is education and best upbringing.

The day you realize yes I have to be a good parent your day starts. If your children are teenagers or are grown up to the extent that you think you can never influence them anymore then Allah says Never despair, Never lose hope. Imagine that traveller in the middle of the dessert who looses his vehicle which has all his goods for journey. How pleased he becomes to find his lost vehicle there. Allah says HE is more pleased than this traveller when a slave who was astray comes back to Him repentant.

One more chance is always there, begin in the path of Allah He is always there. This is the POWER OF ALLAH. It's never too late for Him.

Science: it was said that children learn all that they have to learn by 5yrs after which parents cannot influence them. But recent studies tell that during their teenage, children will form new principles so it is necessary to guide them again during this time.

Each child is a test paper for us. Look at your children as the slaves of Allah first, then it is Allah who has assigned this duty of taking care of them to you. Like the seeds we sow without knowing what it will sprout out to be the future of children is also hidden from us. What will they become, what trials await them, what life they will lead nothing we know? Children are given to us for a purpose. They are given to us for a certain time only. It's us especially the mothers who will have to train them to sing the glory of Allah.

WHAT SHOULD BE OUR AIM FOR THEM?

We should give them 'ROOTS OF RESPONSIBILITY AND WINGS OF FREEDOM'.

Our aim should be to up bring to do what Allah has created them for.

Freedom: to use this freedom for the good of everyone and not to be misused. A mother has to give a broader outlook of life to her children.

METHODS OF TEACHING:

1.by example

2.situational teaching

By Example

1.Children are great mimics; most of the stuff they learn is by mimicking us. Children want models and not lectures. They are cameras, snapping everything they see and recording everything they hear. In fact this is mercy from Allah (swt), otherwise just imagine sitting and lecturing them on every aspect of life how to talk, eat, walk, etc. This is a double blessing provided we ourselves are living a good life. Unfortunately we do all wrong and expect our children to do all good. This is why we all are hunting for good teachers, counselors etc. If you want your children to do something you do it first. If you want your child to speak the truth you speak the truth first, if you want them to be honest, you be honest first. Nobody teaches directly all these things, but just imagine how many of us write false leave notes! Your child is observing you and is learning this concept and uses this later for some other situation.

Children learn the concept, which we teach them consciously/unconsciously.

Situational teaching

2.Situational teaching: This is the best and easy method provided you consciously take this up. Most of the lessons taught last for life time. It gives practical exposure and independent thinking. It hits the bull's eye.

Convert your day to day situation for teaching, mother’s lap is the first school.

Eg. Some misbehaving guests come home, very naughty children, they touch your well arranged decors, break a few of your child's toys (oops), they jump on your bed etc etc

Now after they leave we have 2 options;

a.Sit back and talk about their all ills, yeah the thing which we usually do and are good at 😉 remember the children are watching, observing you, here unconsciously you are teaching them.

b.Use this situation CONSCIOUSLY to teach …the practical class.

Ask their opinion about the guests. Ask them what they themselves should do to be good guests. Your Childs response will make you hold your breath because you realize that they are observing and this is too easy to teach. The lesson of taking care of their things in such situation can be done. One more important lesson is of forgiving and   forgetting and making dua for people who hurt you. This can also be taught.

Day to day situations should be used wisely. Be open minded and wait and watch for opportunities. Ask their opinions, explain the situation, teach and show the reward. No sitting and lecturing helps like the situational teaching.

APPRECIATION AND REWARD:

Children are really flowers of paradise, most of time they don't expect much from us but just a pat or a hug or just this comment good boy/good girl. Mother is their world (at least till they are really mature;) she is the greatest person for them Alhamdulillah.

Children have their own sorrows, fears, etc. Do feel sympathy for them (do not show them) but help them to come out of these. Never expect results without really helping, you have to consciously help them. Whenever they do something wrong instead of reacting immediately sit back and think your role in it. This will make it easy to correct the problem. They too are confused, give them the options, show them the other way. This process will have to go the long way of life. What works with one of your child will not work for the other one though all of them are from you. Each one is a beautiful individual. Theory is not enough. Give them principles though many a times there may not be immediate feedback, but it will be stored and used inshAllah in the journey of their life.

Ask Allah to help, put all you trust in Him. Children are sadaqa-e-jaariya (ongoing charity), one of those things which will go with us into our graves i.e, their deeds n dua’s.

OBSTACLES

  1. MOTHERS IGNORANCE: Mother's ignorance and wrong ideas is the BIGGEST obstacle. Mother's lap is the first school, most of the principles/lessons are learnt from the mother. A mother has to make a conscious effort to know, learn, practice and teach. If her personal experiences were bad then more efforts have to be put to give her children the right thing, the good things. I have not got so I do not know how to give will never help. Read the Quran with meaning daily, get the right understanding and of course dua’s.
  2. SPOUSE NOT COOPERATING: Then the mother has to double her efforts. Make dua. Avoid fighting on this issue especially in front of your children. Don't complain to children about this, give them the feeling that dad is with me. Don't ever give up. Hey you hubbyz out there don't feel happy, in front of Allah you too are responsible.
  3. INTERFERANCE FROM OTHERS: In a joint family when we teach something to the children and someone else teaches some other thing the child gets confused, which if not monitored wisely can lead to psychological problems. Don't think they are scheming against you or are spoiling your child, for them children are like that toy which they always want to see laughing and playing for them. Sometimes they are ready to do anything and ever bubbling. You have to control yourself a lot in such situation, never react in front of them (grandparent/others). Later explain the facts to the child that how grandparent's hate their grandchildren crying and they don't have the responsibility of teaching grandchildren but parents have the duty of correcting children, when grandparent’s were parents they too were like you and all this in a nice way. Never spare the rod and spoil the child, when you have to use it use in private and don't be a police when you use this.
  4. INFLUENCE OF OUTSIDE HOME: Remember Allah will always help; it’s our intentions and dua’s mainly. Do what you have to do inside, Allah will help outside. Home should be a welcome and secure place. Give only the best teachings, principles. The child should be able to feel the difference with the outside and the inside world. If someone is smoking in the house then the child becomes immune to see people smoking outside. Home has to be a different place where Allah is spoken about, individual attention is given, where prayers are said.

SOLUTIONS

  1. DUAS AND EFFORTS: Dua is humility, accepting that we are weak and asking Allah to help us. Do dua a plenty of times in a day, He will never put you down. Pray for your children every moment, whenever you see their face pray for them, pray for their inner beauty. Effort should be made to work on the dua and sincerity in dua is to work for what we have asked.
  2. PATIENCE AND PERSEVERANCE: Never lose hope; control your anger taken do all this consciously. Allah has given this beautiful role of motherhood, it's not for pride but it's accepting our role.
  3. SELF GOODNESS: Human being is the crown of creation, if you listen to Allah then Allah will make others listen to you, this is true for you and not only for some other human.
  4. PURE

  5. INTENTIONS: For the children of everyone. Don't be jealous of others children's achievements/goodness, be genuinely happy even when your children have not got them, pray to Allah to gift your children also.
  6. CRITICISM: Be open to criticism by anyone. In fact tell people to inform you if your child misbehaves or something. Talk to the teachers. Always think of your child's aakhira. But do check with your child and correct wisely.

The upbringing of children in the right direction is an acid test but if one passes this test then both the worlds will be spent in peace, Insha Allah.

Source: http://www.orkut.com/Main#Community/?cmm=50082186

  1. A very good article indeed for all mothers,all tips given will be very helpful for the upbringing of children,insha allah.

  2. ummabraar says:

    MashAllah,very good article,i feel we all mothers should pin it up and read daily.

  3. sunshine says:

    A very honest opinion about joint family system.It is time we should think that it can prove to be a very good system if the family members are good but if the opposite the house wife and young children will suffer forever it is happening in many cultures where spouses follow their parents.And grandma asks children what were your mom saying to your dad when you were sleeping.

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